20. Don the Whale
A personal trainer and model looking to make the jump into acting, the strikes have definitely put a damper on Don finding his big break. He’s ready to go in at a moment’s notice, but until then, he’ll keep having affairs with his clients.
19. Man Ray
Man Ray has a scant future outside of superhero films. He’s not a bad actor, but he’s been in a cape way too long. His calls for actors to jump ship into indie films are well-meaning and good-intentioned, but ultimately just goes to further fuck over newer actors who rely on those gigs at the start of their careers. He ultimately needs to accept that he missed his boat and wait for the strike to be over. Once it is, he’ll go right back into his spandex suit and never mention indie films again.
18. Mrs. Puff
Mrs. Puff may seem like a radical at first, until you realize that she has the soul of an H.R. rep deep down. She’s more insidious even than someone like Mr. Krabs, because while he may be outwardly anti-strike, she’s pretending to be on board, but slowly undermining morale from within. A truly traitorous puffer-fish. I pray that dolphins come and use her to get high.
17. Patrick Star
Patrick would be on board with the strike at first. But he wouldn’t last long. Not because his intentions are bad, but because he’s not too bright and way too trusting. Patrick would be swayed from striking the minute he learned that he could get 200 whole dollars for letting them make a permanent AI copy of him. And that means he can be on the computer. And that’s cool. He can’t figure out how to work his computer. He’s tried hammering and drilling into it to see what the issue is, but he just can’t get it to turn on.
16. Pearl Krabs
Like the Mia Goth character she shares a name with, Pearl is a star. SHE’S A STAAAAAAR! Or, at least she is in her own mind. But unlike the Mia Goth character, this Pearl hasn’t the strength for even a single bit of violence against the rich and/or beautiful. She’s not chopping up the people who get the roles over her. She’s Mr. Krabs’ daughter. An ur-nepo baby. She’s never had to audition in her life. And even though she occasionally shares a solidarity-friendly meme or a captionless news story about the strikes, she’s really just gearing up for her big kiss with Timothée Chalamet.
15/14. Officers John & Nancy
Two of Bikini Bottom’s most baton-happy police officers, John and Nancy are the first to remind you that “police unions are unions too.” But the minute the strikes turn rowdy, they’ll be there. You know. To beat people.
13. Karen the Computer
If people like Plankton and Krabs are the faces of Hollywood, Karen is what goes on behind the scenes. She’s the algorithm that determines which mid-tier Marvel movies people will be spoon-fed for the next three summers. She’s also, more than likely, one of the ones who cast the deciding vote for “Crash” to win best picture.
12. SpongeBob SquarePants
Let’s face it, SpongeBob is nothing if not a scab. He’s sold his soul to the company store and is happy to have it like that. It’s ironic, SpongeBob has actually picketed against Mr. Krabs before, but not enough has changed and he loves his work too much. He thinks that Fran Drescher is a big ol’ meaniepants, that the possibility of being replaced by AI is cool and that people just need to be kind. Not that it matters, but you just know that this man supported Jill Stein in 2016 and Andrew Yang in 2020.
11. Barnacle Boy
Let’s face it. Barnacle Boy is an asshole. The geriatric side-kick to Mermaid Man, he’s been in the passenger seat his whole life. He has no hope for change. No aspirations for a brighter tomorrow. He likes to show up, collect his paycheck and go home. He wants this strike to be over and thinks that if he shows public support for the studios, he’ll finally be rewarded with that sweet, sweet starring role.
10. Lord Royal Highness
I am as sure that L.R.H. is breaking through that picket line as I am that he has openly said racial slurs in “an academic context” in interviews.
9. The “Where’s My Drink” Guy
This man is just a dick. SpongeBob and Squidward braved hellish conditions to bring you that rancid-ass pizza and you’re gonna be a dick to a minimum-wage employee because you forgot to order a Diet Dr. Kelp? No. Plus, if can’t even eat his delivery order if he thinks they forgot the drink, then he’s probably starving to death in the DoorDash era. And this man is a hundred percent getting on Reddit and talking about how lazy actors and writers are. It’s all he talks about.
8. The Realistic Fish Head
A TV anchorman, but not a field reporter, the Realistic Fish Head is used to getting the glory without doing the hard work. He’s the public face of Bikini Bottom, well-liked and well-trusted. But it’s all just a giant ego trip deep down. He doesn’t like people getting in his way. He’d scab.
7. Squilliam Fancyson
This unibrow-sporting mollusk may seem cultured, worldly, and artistic. He is, after all, a successful musician, performer, and aesthete. That being said, Squilliam is also a poser and a weakling who would sell his own family as dog food if he thought it would help him advance himself. He’s the type that would offer to come in and replace the striking writers, but there’s an absolutely zero percent chance he could produce anything more sophisticated than “The Idol” or “Velma.”
6. Kevin C. Cucumber
An absolute “well-actually” bro, Kevin is the type of pseudo-celeb that gets canceled and ends up producing Steven Crowder-esque alt-right content on Rumble. He wouldn’t technically scab, except to go and do weird films produced by the Daily Wire. Otherwise, he thinks Hollywood is full of elitists and pedophiles drinking the blood of children. He’s probably called Fran Drescher a slur.
5. Doodle-Bob
This is the AI-generated monstrosity that the studio execs have all been creaming their cargo shorts for lately. He’s hideous, impractical, and a total fuck you to the industry. On a personal note, we put it to a vote and each one of us here at The Hard Times would consider it a personal delight to run him over with our cars.
4. Patchy the Pirate
Patchy the Pirate is the meta link between the SpongeBob world and our own. A pirate, obsessed with SquarePants and co., Patchy has an unwavering and undying love for the show, so much so that he becomes despondent every time his favorite cartoon sponge undergoes any ordeal and covets lost episodes the way some covet gems. Like a millennial with “Harry Potter,” Patchy is utterly unable to function without his comfort pop culture and would perhaps literally die if production on “SpongeBob Squarepants” was ever halted.
3. Bubble Bass
A Karen, a Reddit Reply Guy and a “m’lady” type all rolled into one, Bubble Bass is perhaps the most odious resident of Bikini Bottom. He’s the type that has long held a grudge against the entire film industry for refusing to read his “Star Wars” spec script, an all-male origin story for Mace Windu. He spends his whole day online writing about how lazy and privileged actors and writers are, but the minute they actually go back to work, he’ll start review bombing everything they make and writing “go woke, go broke” on Twitter about every new film that comes out.
2. King Neptune
Neptune is the vain, self-important, non-writing executive producer who truly believes that he is the most important part of whatever project he’s working on. The idea that anyone would stand in his way is seen as a personal affront.
1. Eugene H. Krabs
For someone whose name is so close to Eugene V. Debs, Mr. Krabs is no friend of the working class. The greed-fueled owner of the Krusty Krab is fueled by no greater love in life than his love of money. He has resorted to animal cruelty, the attempted murder of health inspectors, selling his employees’ souls and paying counterfeit money to make himself richer. He wouldn’t be picketing. He would be running the studios, like a regular David Krabslav.