“Futurama” is the ultimate adult cartoon. Sometimes childish humor written by a team of comedy writers with multiple masters and PhDs between them, and the show never lacks in emotional depth. It was canceled and revived multiple times over the course of the new millennium, but kept coming back from the dead, just like great zombie Jesus.
Speaking of canceled, one little shit who can’t help but cry about cancelation is Canadian Psychologist and head of the intellectual dark web Jordan Peterson, a once successful academic who abandoned reason for treason, veering out of his lane as a Psychologist by peddling anti-intellectual, right-wing nonsense. Many fell under the charms of this charlatan while failing to realize a Psychology Professor would be the most adept at manipulation. But how do the denizens of New New York and the “Futurama” universe stack up? Read on and find out.
50. Scruffy
Scruffy the Janitor, long-time fixer of toilets and boilers, boilers and toilets, the one boiling toilet, and lifelong pornography enthusiast would despise Peterson for his abhorrently sexist views and recognize that the “12 Rules for Life” are pretty much basic common sense that can be learned anywhere. Mhm.
49. Amazonians
Let’s discuss the factors. The Amazon Women: Matriarchal giantesses who execute men by pelvis-crushing snoo-snoo. (Nice). Jordan Peterson: A frail, fragile psychiatrist who once melted his brain with bennies, and who believes that women are the embodiment of chaos. Not only are the Amazonians fundamentally opposed to Peterson’s philosophy, but they also have good critical thinking skills and can see through the fundamental flaws in his philosophy, ardently opposing this wee man.
48. LaBarbara Conrad
Intelligent, beautiful and self-possessed, LaBarbara thinks Peterson’s philosophy is nonsense. She wasn’t too concerned when Hermes came home talking about buying a copy of “Maps of Meaning,” but when he started talking about the “crisis of masculinity,” she put the book in a pot of her famous curried goat.
47. Leela
Leela started reading “12 Rules For Life” mainly because there was a section on cleaning your room, and she needed an excuse to clean her apartment. She got two paragraphs in before karate chopping the book against the wall and now dreams about putting a combat boot up Peterson’s ass.
46. Al Gore
There’s actually not a lot of jokes you can even make about this one. Peterson and Gore are pretty much on opposite ends of the political spectrum and Peterson is a prolific climate denier. Which honestly, at this point, one has to wonder… how many of these right-wing nut jobs actually don’t believe in climate change and how much of it is just toeing the party line? Al Gore doesn’t know. He just doesn’t know.
45. Robot Santa
There’s something about the phrase “an antidote to chaos” that rubs Robot Santa Claus the wrong way. He loves chaos. It’s his whole thing. Oh sure, he loves the idea of an author who sits in constant judgement of his fellow man and calls them weak little weasels, but wishes that instead of writing boring books about it, Peterson would go out and decapitate them.
44. God
Or perhaps the remains of a spaceship that crashed into God. Either way, one of the most notable quotes from God’s episode is: “When you’ve done it right, people won’t be sure you’ve done anything at all.” This runs antithetical to Jordan Peterson, who never met a talk show he wouldn’t go on, a college student he wouldn’t try and debate, a trans person he wouldn’t misgender, or a hill he wouldn’t die on. All in the least subtle way possible.
43. Grand Midwife
And Grand Lunch Lady, Grand Priestess, Funeral Director, etc. This grand woman clearly has a lot of life experience, skills and education, allowing her to see through much of Peterson’s smoke and mirrors. When she attended a lecture on Peterson’s approach to parenting, she stormed out and even clocked ole’ Kermit with her cane, finding his rules simplistic, staunch, and stanky.
42. Amy Wong
Fiercely independent and at times promiscuous while planning to have a family on her own time, Amy Wong is the type of woman who Jordan Peterson despises. Amy was once enrolled in a course taught by the head of Professor Peterson, and she quickly dropped the course to boogie board in the time she would have spent at the lecture.
41. Igner
Son of Hubert Farnsworth and Mom, Igner would fear the weird Kermit man and his mean comments about women, since he is a momma’s boy at heart and would interpret Peterson’s misogyny as an attack on dear old mom.
40. Phillip J. Fry
Fry would have discovered Jordan Peterson while on a break from his relationship with Leela, he is admittedly exactly the right sort of person to be suckered in by Peterson’s… charm? Specifically, a prospectless, messy, unsuccessful man in his mid-twenties, with a tendency toward not thinking for himself. But thankfully, Leela was there to pull him back from the edge before he was too far gone.
39. Mr. Pannuchi
Fry’s old Boss and noted reader of Big Whoop magazine, Mr. Pannuchi exercised notoriously lax quality control over the ingredients at the Pizzeria, even letting Seymour (yes that Seymour) rummage around in the Pizza Sauce makes for an unclean room, and life. Plus the Pannuchi slouch is in direct opposition to the first rule for life, “Head Up Shoulders Back.”
38. Clamps
At first this Peterson guy seemed to be nice and proper, but he made the ultimate mistake, by mis-clamping the clamps. A crime punishable by CLAMP CLAMP KEBAMP! Ironic since Clamps is the closest thing to a crustacean Robot in the Futurama Universe, what with the clamps and everything.
37. Kif Kroeker
Kif is also the type of fella to get suckered in with Peterson’s rhetoric. He’s lowly, depressed and quite literally spineless. But you all forget one thing: Kif is actually a nice guy. Not a “nice guy.” A nice guy. And through that genuine niceness, he was able to pull Amy Wong – a straight-up baddie. I think there’s a lesson in that somewhere.
36. Leader of the Ball Planet
Jordan Peterson once gave a lecture on the Ball Planet. He began with bouncing, followed by rolling, followed by bouncing of the 69th kind, a societal faux pas on the ball planet. An embarrassed, slightly drunken Peterson proceeded to “bounce” from the ball planet, before any more chaos broke out, and oh boy imagine the chaos if Jordan brought a lobster to these inflatable intellectuals.
35. Ndnd
Ndnd is very familiar with the works of Dr. Peterson, mainly because she always has to read them to her husband. Lrrr can’t read. Ndnd doesn’t take Jordan seriously, mainly because she’s convinced he’s not a trained psychologist and college professor, but rather a provoking – but ultimately harmless – meta comedian. Like Andy Kaufman when he used to joke about wrestling women.
34. Robot Devil
The Robot Devil used to be big into Peterson, taking a number of notes from “12 Rules For Life.” Ultimately, he was pretty convinced that Jordan was a robot himself and was champing at the bit to one day have his soul in Robot Hell. He was disappointed when he found out the truth and has since gone on to regret giving Jordan the idea to tell his patients to write angry letters to his critics.
33. Robot 1X
I LOVE THOSE MAGNIFICENT 1X ROBOTS! A pinnacle of efficiency and flawless space-age engineering, Robot 1X considers Jordan a ranting, raving dark age lunatic, babbling about sorcery and myths. Even more cretinous is the concept of only having twelve rules for life. The 1X Robots have at least 7,000 and are among the most well-organized and high-functioning beings in the whole “Futurama” canon.
32. Mayor Poopenmeyer
Due in large part to his unwavering belief in superheroes, it would be safe to say that Mayor Poopenmeyer is also a disciple of Joseph Campbell and the “Hero With a Thousand Faces.” Or he would be, if he actually took the time to read Campbell. Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately) like most American politicians, the mayor of New New York City hasn’t picked up a book in several years and thinks that every picture of Jordan is just from a remake of “Tales From the Crypt.”
31. Joey Mousepad
Joey Mousepad is, without doubt, the least problematic of the Robot Mafia’s upper echelon. He’s tall, well-built, easy going and ultimately secure in his intelligence and frame. People like Jordan Peterson, Ben Shapiro, Andrew Tate, and Dave Rubin have nothing to offer him. Unfortunately, Joey Mousepad has also listened to every single episode of “The Joe Rogan Experience,” so he has absorbed some bad takes through pure osmosis.
30. Larry
The ultimate middle child in Mom’s evil empire, Larry is neither as conniving as his older brother Walt nor as brashly unintelligent as his younger brother Igner. Larry is the sort of resentful man who might easily go down a red-pill rabbit hole. Fortunately, the one time he tried standing up to Mom and told her that “women belong in the kitchen, Mommy,” she had him spend a weekend in the tiger pit.
29. Dwight Conrad
Dwight is a shining example of why smoking weed is actually one of the best things a teenager can do. Dwight first encountered a snippet from “Maps of Meaning” in an English class and – like many young men – thought Peterson had some pretty great ideas. Fortunately, LaBarbara discovered this and accidentally left some of Hermes’ stash out in the open for Dwight to find. After a couple tokes, he forgot all about it.
28. Donbot
Through cleaning his room/data storage, the Donbot was able to find his mercy file for the first time in years. With this renewed sense of kindness, the Donbot fronted Peterson a large amount of Clonazeham from the Robot Mafia, and the good doctor went on his way, never to pay back the Donbot for this generous gift, who proceeded to put out an open hit on Mr. Peterson and delete the mercy file.
27. Calculon
An antidote to chaos would inevitably lead to the end of “All My Circuits,” since chaos is a prerequisite for drama, soap opera drama especially, and good ol’ Television storytelling, no matter how basic. This would lead Calculon to lump thinly veiled criticism against Jordan Peterson during interviews, inevitably leading the two onto a talk show together, and being the spotlight hog he is, Calculon would double down on these conversations to boost his own career at the expense of the very show he is a star of.
26. Hyper Chicken
B’GAAAAK! Hyper Chicken is no one’s favorite person, a famously incompetent attorney with a tendency to fly off the handle at anyone he thinks is actually corn. And yet, there’s something about him that doesn’t scream: “I like to read books by public intellectuals.” He’s in touch enough with his rural roots to know that “public intellectual” isn’t a job people should be allowed to have.
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