Wearing skate shoes is a great way to still show the world that you’re still young at heart even after all of the cartilage you once had in your knees has long since turned to dust. But it can be time-consuming trying to find footwear large enough to accommodate your arch-supporting prescription insoles, especially when you don’t want to compromise yourself by asking the seventeen-year-old employee at the Journeys in the mall for assistance. So to help you pass the time while your old ass browses the Etnies website, we compiled 25 songs by perennial youngsters the Descendents that remind you that it would be far easier to just give up and buy an all-white pair of New Balances already. (Listen along to the playlist while you read each entry, click here)
25. Sick-O-Me
Man, that opening riff sure slaps. Do the kids still say that? “Slaps”? Maybe don’t risk asking the hipster kid who works here until you’re sure or you will end up being a punchline on TikTok, an app you still haven’t figured out how to use.
24. You Make Me Sick
“Tony Lombardo was 20 years older than the rest of the Descendents” is something you can mutter under your breath repeatedly to convince yourself that it’s cool that you’re going to pay for these shoes with a coupon you manually clipped out of a Good Housekeeping magazine.
23. Sour Grapes
A song all about not being willing to claw for the attention of someone younger and cooler than you will make a great soundtrack for when you finally break down and make the Journeys cashier go in the back for a third time because it turns out you don’t wear a size 11 anymore.
22. Pervert
There was a time when this song would have been ironic and kind of cute for you. But now you’re worried that just being in a children’s shoe store at the mall will end up getting you on some sort of watch list.
21. We
We’re including this song to remind you that you have been married for fourteen years and that you have three kids who were with you when you got to the mall. Please look around you now to ensure that they are still there. Don’t see them? Well then maybe this purchase can wait for a little while.
20. Coolidge
Reflecting on your very uncool past and the mistakes you’ve made in your life really shows your growth as a person. Well, sort of. Your doctor did tell you that you should have gotten these insoles five years ago, but you said “no” at the time because they wouldn’t fit into your Vans slip-ons.
19. Bikeage
A song about the devastation of being a teenage junkie is perfect for reminding you that you haven’t been able to get drunk in eight months, and that the last time you did it was when you had three beers with your father-in-law during an early afternoon golf game. You felt sick for a full week after that.
18. ‘Merican
You’re probably old enough to have personally been present for every historical reference in this song.
17. Cheer
Hang on. Pop those wired earbuds out for a minute. Oh damn, this song is actually playing over the in-store sound system. See, you aren’t really that old after all. Just hope no one in your vicinity uses the term “retro” in the next few minutes and this could be the self-esteem boost you really need during this shopping trip.
16. Smile
Here’s a good song to remind you of the fact that, when you first walked into this Journeys, the cashier actively sneered at you. But it’s cool, they probably do that to everybody, right?
15. I’m Not a Punk
While you’re listening to the lyric “I’m just a square going nowhere,” we hope that you remember that you also have to stop by Macy’s to buy some more relaxed fit Dockers while they’re still on sale.
14. Everything Sux
Well, you finally found a pair of shoes you like that are also wide enough to accommodate your “balloon animal arches.” But unfortunately, they just sold the last pair to a twenty-year-old with intact kneecaps who can actually do hardflips and not those weird ‘90s frontside shuv it looking things you grew up watching. Man, fuck everything.
13. Kids
We used the live version for this song because sometimes it can be a little jarring to hear a live track when you weren’t expecting it. And hopefully it will jar you into realizing that you’ve been zoning out in this Journeys for 45 minutes while you left your own kids unsupervised back in the food court.
12. My World
Your doctor expressly told you that skate shoes were a bad option for these insoles. But shows what that egghead knows – he was probably a parking lot security guard in a past life.
11. Parents
Well, your kids aren’t where you last remembered leaving them. Let’s head back for one more browse over the clearance section and hope that this situation just resolves itself somehow.
10. Clean Sheets
Don’t forget, you also have to pick up dry cleaning while you’re running errands today.
9. Victim of Me
There are plenty of ways that life doesn’t turn out exactly like you thought it would. For instance, you didn’t anticipate having such bad insurance that the only podiatrist you can afford also moonlights as a bouncer at an erotic donut shop. But hey, plans change.
8. My Dad Sucks
Now that you yourself are a parent of three children whose location is currently unknown, you have a small amount more understanding for your own parents being tyrannical jerks your whole childhood. Also, you should inform mall security that your kids are loose somewhere on the premises.
7. Cool To Be You
No it’s not just your imagination, everyone in the store is looking at you. And not in the “hey look at the cool shoes that that cool guy is checking out in that cool corner over there” way – in the “maybe we should call the retirement home to see if he escaped somehow” way.
6. Marriage
If you ask the Journeys cashier if they’d be willing to let you adopt them, it might help your spouse forget that you have absolutely lost all of your previous children by this point.
5. Tired of Being Tired
When you wake up everything hurts. And when you try to go to sleep, as soon as your head hits the pillow, you suddenly feel like you have to pee – not enough to actually have to get up to pee but enough that it’s going to keep bothering you. Goddamn, it’s just fucking exhausting.
4. Get the Time
When you “get the time” you’re probably gonna have to go to a PTA meeting or drive to the good Panera even though it’s way out of your way. That’s all that happens when you “get the time” now, oldy.
3. When I Get Old
Well, no point in wondering about it anymore. Here’s exactly what things are like for your old ass – buying prescription strength shoes at one in the afternoon.
2. Suburban Home
Here’s a song that you probably thought was a sarcastic jab at the status quo when you were a shithead teenager but now would gladly give any three body parts to be able to afford any part of the current real estate market.
1. I Don’t Want To Grow Up
So, you’ve irritated your doctor, made everyone at Journeys uncomfortable, sent mall security on a hunt to find the children you’ve neglected and, despite all of that, you still haven’t found a pair of skate shoes that will accommodate your frail, old person bones. Yeah, it sure would be nice to not grow up – but since you’re already there, just buy the fucking New Balances already and call it a day.