MONTREAL, Quebec — Regular viewers of the online pornography streaming company PornHub looked on with a strange mixture of horror and excitement as the company announced its first ever Shark Week, confirmed sources.
“OK, what’s their angle here?” asked local pervert Jesse Entingh with some newspaper placed suspiciously over his lap. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m a huge fan of autoeroticism and the erogenous cinematic arts, but hot sharks just sound frightening. I mean I’m already afraid of a woman’s teeth when getting a blowjob, or I would be if I could ever get one. But a shark blowjob would just have way too many teeth that forever regenerate which is what I learned from regular Shark Week. But then again maybe the danger is what would make it hot. Oh god, my boner is so confused.”
Executives at PornHub felt that having a Shark Week was completely on brand for them.
“I just feel that the PornHub has a real special kinship with oceanic apex predators,” stated vice president of marketing Charles Schaeffer. “Porn is under attack right now just like the noble shark. I mean, you don’t see people turning our performers into soup just yet, but they are adding age verification laws in many US states which really attack our brand. Anyway, have you ever heard of a nurse shark? Well, without spoiling anything, let’s just say some other nurses will be involved.”
Marine biologists were similarly nonplussed about the decision to combine porn and sharks.
“While I appreciate their commitment to protecting biodiversity, sharks are animals and can’t consent to whatever they want to do,” said Andrea Horn PhD. “I do hope they use protection though and by that I mean shark cages. But maybe condoms too? I’ve been studying sharks for 30 years and I have no idea if people can get shark STDs. I guess we would call this new disease ‘sharkphylis’? Dammit, I’m suddenly invested in this and I didn’t want to be. Stupid sexy sharks.”
At press time, several male performers were concerned that the upcoming bear week might be more literal than what they initially signed up for.