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Guest Invited to “Help Himself” to Fridge Containing Hot Sauce and Four Lokos

HOBOKEN, N.J. — Local host Dave Pendleton told guest and longtime friend Jeremy Adler to “just help himself to anything in the fridge” despite only having two bottles of hot sauce with the lids crusted over and a six-pack of Four Lokos, starving sources confirmed.

“I just like to be hospitable. If you’re in my house, you make yourself at home. Mi casa, su pasta. I learned that from one of the bottles of hot sauce,” said Pendleton. “I did consider for a second—maybe a millisecond—making a grocery store run before people started showing up, but then I realized that would just create this weird power imbalance, and I’m not about that. I mean, what am I, your personal chef? As my guest, you should be the one stocking my fridge. That’s common knowledge.”

Despite Pendleton’s long-standing philosophy, Adler couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed when discovered the limited options in the fridge.

“I mean, I’m all for a casual hang at Dave’s place,” justified Adler. “I’m no spoiled princess bitch, I don’t need a five-course meal, nothing like that. But I’m starting to get worried that Dave doesn’t eat at all. The last time I was here, he said I could help myself but the only things in his fridge were a half-drank Big Gulp from 7-Eleven, an empty jar of pickles, and a box of baking soda that somehow expired three years ago. We need to start hanging out at a Taco Bell or something.”

Etiquette Coach Linda Tottenham confirmed the trend of apathetic hosting.

“Some modern hosts prefer not to put in any effort at all when having people over,” said Tottenham. “Putting in effort for your guests can generally be seen as stiff, uptight, and in some cases, be a sign of weakness. What I always recommend is for guests to bring their own food and beverages. But when it’s time to leave, sneak whatever you haven’t finished out with you. That’ll show them. With parties and get-togethers, it’s best to seek revenge where possible.”

At press time, Pendleton told Adler to put on anything he wants on TV, despite only having an antenna that gets four channels.