WEST CHESTER, Penn. — Local Trump supporter Stephen Hall confirmed that he is happy about Trump’s win, but is a “little disappointed” that he won’t get to defecate on a Congressperson’s desk this time around, sources close to the man confirmed.
“I was a little surprised that he won, with all the cheating and fake ballots I saw flying around my Facebook all week,” said Hall, who is recovering from emergency intestinal surgery. “I started eating a bunch of expired cereal, rubber erasers, and energy drinks, thinking I could make it up to D.C. in time to express my opinion. Voting was fine, but it just didn’t feel as rewarding as ruining some legislative assistant’s keyboard by squatting over it, blowing out my back end, and yelling about how Democrats made Mr. Potato Head gay. Call me old-fashioned, I guess.”
Dr. Sadiq Abbas, the surgeon who saved Hall’s life, refused to say whether his patient would have in fact been able to carry his intestinal cargo across state lines before he faced serious health consequences.
“It’s hard to say, because we’ve been swamped with these cases all day. We had a lady come in before polls opened, claiming she’d eaten so much lentil soup she could hear her dead mother’s voice,” said Abbas. “Her plan wasn’t even to go to D.C., she said she was just going to do it right there in the polling booth. We monitored her for a few hours – we even helped her do a provisional ballot, which she hated – but couldn’t keep her. I’m really worried about how people in her position are going to take this nonviolent victory at the ballot box. She was so psyched to shit in public.”
Trump campaign spokesman Stephen Cheung issued the following statement in response to supporters’ concerns.
“Following President Donald J. Trump’s landslide victory, now is the time to unite as Americans to MAGA,” said Cheung. “The President-elect wants Patriots to know that they will get to poop and also pee in public on top of things they disagree with very soon, as our fight to drain the swamp continues. I would remind the fake news media and radical leftists that President-elect Trump will soon pardon the January 6th hostages, among them some of the finest fecal freedom fighters in the conservative movement, and trust me when I say – it’s a huge movement.”
As of press time, Hall was planning on taking a dump on the local Postmaster’s car for agreeing to deliver mail-in ballots.