WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump attempted to justify his policy of mass deportations by claiming illegal immigrants are taking up the majority of all guest list spots at sold-out shows and concerts working Americans so desperately want to attend, sources confirmed.
“Joe Biden opened our borders and let some of the most sadistic criminals from all over the world into this country. Those people came here to do a bunch of illegal stuff, stuff so illegal I don’t even want to talk about it because it will give you nightmares, but they also came to take up coveted guest list spots that average Americans depend on to see their favorite musical acts,” said Trump. “Just the other day, I had a Marine come up to me, a real tough guy, he was so distraught and looked like he’d been crying. He said to me ‘Mr. Trump, I love you, you are the reason I decided to be born and serve this country. But I tried to see my favorite rock band the other night, but the guest list was all members of MS-13.’ I’m going to make sure this never happens again.”
Immigration advocates claim this is just more fear-mongering from the Trump administration.
“Trump has been claiming that migrants are taking up guest list spots since he announced his first campaign in 2015. We crunched the numbers and found that since 2016 less than .000000000001% of guest list attendees have been undocumented. The majority of migrants are honest, law-abiding people who are here to do jobs most Americans refuse to do, they aren’t here to mosh at an American Nightmare anniversary show,” said Anna Gomez, an immigration lawyer in Philadelphia. “Historically, guest list spots are reserved for the band’s girlfriends or boyfriends, old roommates, and a few acquaintances who are brave enough to text a band member they haven’t talked to in years in hopes of getting into a show for free.”
Dusty Wiltz, the lead vocalist and guitarist of a pro-Trump rock group MAGAnified, hopes the president’s policies will help the low attendance at his band’s shows.
“We have been playing every county fair and dive bar we can and so far we’ve only sold about 15 t-shirts. I firmly believe it’s because the Biden administration screwed the economy so bad that people are afraid to listen to live music,” said Wiltz. “It’s clear that people are scared to go outside because they will be sex trafficked by a Mexican drug cartel that Kamala Harris funded with her campaign money. Once all these criminals are out of the country MAGAnified fans will be out in full force and we will be selling out arenas across the South.”
President Trump is also expected to sign an executive order stating that all sound guys must be assigned male at birth.