PALM BEACH, Fla. – Sources within the Trump campaign reported that the former president and his team are seemingly overwhelmed with despair after pollsters found a group of teenage girls responded “ew” when asked about a second Trump term.
“This is an attack beyond anything I’ve ever seen,” said Trump campaign manager Chris LaCivita, a political veteran of twenty years. “We can handle personal attacks and policy attacks, but ‘ew?’ That’s beyond the pale. We’re trying to have a discourse with the voters and these teenage girl critics are out for blood. We’re actually working on several lawsuits at the moment claiming that phrases such as ‘ew’ and ‘weird’ are defamatory and worthy of jail time. It’s the only hope we’ve got against these illegal maneuvers.”
Donald Trump remains adamant that this phenomenon is “the worst a president has ever been treated.”
“No one has been through what I’ve been through and I’ve been through a lot, trust me, more than you know,” said Trump, speaking with a heavy slur and sweating profusely. “They said I couldn’t be treated any worse, but I have, the worst ever, some say. These girls saying ‘ew’, they say ‘ew’ these days. Girls in my day, they didn’t say ‘ew’, they would say, ‘why do they call this plane the Lolita Express?’ And we’d say, ‘don’t worry about it, sweetheart.’ Never ‘ew’.’ JD Vance is ‘weird,’ he’s my special boy.”
Recent polls from YouGov and Emerson College show Trump’s numbers have cratered since the girls responsible for the movement, Riley Tanner and Ryleigh Trang, made their declaration during study hall last week.
“We saw Trump talking about how beautiful Kamala was and we just thought ‘ew’” said Tanner, speaking on her TikTok page. “Like, he said it with his weird, little butthole mouth and he was all clammy and gross. It was giving ‘Longlegs.’ Also, with Project 2025, Trump and his gross weirdos want to ban abortion, defund Planned Parenthood, and remove social security safety nets for our most vulnerable citizens. It is a flagrant abuse of power, an insult to the constitution, and it just made me think ‘how totally fucking gross, ew.’”
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As of press time, the Harris/Walz campaign is considering purchasing thousands of billboards across swing states proclaiming EW in giant letters as a valid political strategy.