NORTH ATTLEBORO, Mass. — Several youths were ordered to stop playing with miniature skateboards by very small police officers outside the Emerald Square Mall, according to regular-sized witnesses.
“We were just innocently messing around with our fingerboards outside the movie theater. I was grinding a concrete planter when I heard this little siren,” said 14-year-old Andrew Slotnick as he fastened new trucks to his scaled-down skateboard. “I looked down and saw that a couple of little cops had pulled up in what looked like a toy police car. They were yelling at me and my friends to stop skateboarding. We thought they were joking at first, but then they brought out this tiny German Shepherd and we ran off. I’ve been bitten by a hamster before, which really hurt—and this dog was like guinea pig-sized.”
Officer Devin McCulloch was one of the diminutive patrolmen who rousted Slotnick and his friends.
“There was a clearly posted sign that read, ‘No Skateboarding’ and these kids were blatantly flouting the law,” said Officer McCulloch as he sipped coffee from a thimble. “That applies to skateboarding of any size. The NAPD Micro-Crimes Division faces a lot of unique challenges, but we don’t let our size prevent us from meting out the law. Don’t let our Lilliputian stature fool you—if a suspect tries anything funny, you better believe I’ll whip out my taser and give them the worst static shock they’ve ever felt.”
Leonard Panis, spokesman for the International Union of Police Associations, says recent influxes of funds have led to some remarkable advancements in law enforcement.
“Police departments across the country are seeing huge budget increases as cuts are made to less important social programs,” said Panis. “We’re putting that money toward groundbreaking technology like shrink rays, AR goggles that can tell us who a suspect voted for and autonomous robots that shoot pepper spray at sleeping homeless people until they leave. We’re currently working with a military contractor to develop decoy copies of leftist books containing dye packs that explode when opened so we can easily identify commies.”
At press time, spectators were seen recording a pair of tiny cops beating a homeless man on the shins with cute little nightsticks.