WASHINGTON — A recent study conducted by the Census Bureau revealed that the majority of Millennial Americans are forced to take on a second or third midlife crisis just by existing in the United States, multiple sources have confirmed.
“After extensive research, our data has shown the number of citizens experiencing existential crises has not only doubled in the last 20 years, but that many are juggling two or three of them at once. It’s approximately one crisis for every job worked or child reared,” said Bureau researcher Morgan Chase. “Thirty years ago one could suffer suburban malaise and wonder if they did anything meaningful with their lives on a single dead-end job. Now Millennials are quickly becoming the new ‘olds’ with little to show for it, so millions of people are on the verge of dying their hair and moving to a different country within a week.”
Those who participated in the research were well aware they were disassociating much more than previous generations.
“I was barely holding it together after this 19-year-old barista referred to me as ma’am, but then I got my student loan bill and 20-year high school graduation invite on the same day. I cannot handle having so much time behind me while I’m still yet to find a rewarding career, which means if I’m going to recapture the feeling of being young and carefree I’m going to have to take up even more hobbies to distract myself,” said Taylor Clemmons, age 36. “I can’t physically take one more video of a Gen Z kid confused by how landline phones work. I’m already training for a triathlon and wall climbing to feel young again. I don’t think my knees can handle having to face my own mortality much longer.”
Psychologists helping patients through the multitude of crises expressed worry that the issue may compound over time.
“Handling a patient’s midlife crisis used to be easy, like they went out and bought a muscle car without consulting their wives or whatever. But let’s face it, after 2020, everyone’s anxieties started running wild once it appeared civilization was in the endgame,’ said Dr. Richard Brown. “I’ve had at least several guys in here blow their kids’ college funds buying Stratocasters and converting their garages into bars, just to realize they can’t play or handle their booze anymore. It’s a vicious downward spiral.”
The study also warned that a substantial number of Americans are just one soul-searching dilemma away from asking their spouses for an open marriage.