SCOTTSDALE, Ariz. — A team of scientists was left bewildered after a series of tests definitively proved that smashed guitars feel pain and anguish when smashed on stage, a new report confirmed.
“We discovered it by accident,” said lead researcher Dr. Leon Baker. “A few of us get together to jam after work some days. I had a few too many beers in me and smashed this old guitar across some industrial microscope. The guitar just started spattering around on the ground like some sort of epileptic lizard’s tail. Since then we’ve trialed over 400 guitars, as inhumane as it is, but at least they’re Squiers, mostly. Through these tests we’ve concluded that each guitar contains a complex nervous system between the headstock and pickups, however, it’s only activated when the output jack is plugged in. Otherwise it’s in what we can only describe as a state of ‘hibernation.’ It’s fascinating, really.”
This recent discovery has not only shocked the general public and normies, even famous guitarists have been stunned by this new information.
“In all my years, I had no idea,” quivered Swedish guitar legend Yngwie Malmsteen. “I’ve smashed countless guitars throughout my career, expensive ones, just caught up in the moment, you know? I guess I couldn’t hear the terrified screams of my guitar over the delighted screams of my audience. It’s been keeping me up at night, those sounds, they haunt me. Then there was the sporadic writhing of the neck after breaking from the body… oh God. I think I’m gonna be sick.”
Some are speculating that major guitar manufacturing corporations have known about this for years, and willingly withheld information from the public.
“Of course we didn’t know about it,” said Fender CEO Andy Mooney. “That would be cruel and unusual, to sell something with a fully intact nervous system that people unknowingly cause frequent pain to. But you know what else would be cruel and unusual? If we’re forced to lay off hundreds of employees, leaving families without food because we decided to stop selling our main driver of sales because it ‘might’ have ‘feelings.’ And who are all you to judge? As you wolf down your double bacon cheeseburger, those animals had feelings and you aren’t crying for them.”
When asked if bass guitars also feel pain, researchers across the board agreed that no bass player would ever be cool enough to deliberately smash their bass on stage, thus rendering the bass species of guitar safe.