BOSTON — Researchers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology determined that billionaire and father of 13 Elon Musk is statistically three to four children away from having one who actually loves him.
“Love and the likelihood of its occurrence is a difficult thing to quantify,” said lead researcher Patricia Turkington, PhD. “But we’re all pretty convinced that after siring a few more children or so, one of them is bound to at least tolerate Elon. And our computer models suggest that, from said tolerance, a vaguely positive feeling of affinity that could generously be classified as affection bordering on love could hypothetically follow. And if that number isn’t correct then unfortunately science has failed us.”
Musk’s son Kai seemed to develop a distaste for his father.
“I think it would help if he would stop naming his kids after Steam product keys and making verifiably untrue claims like he invented the baking soda volcano,” said the young Musk. “One time he asked if I wanted to have a catch. I agreed, so he arranged to have one of his companies build a robot that can do that. He never even taught me how to drive. He just sat me down in one of his self-driving vehicles and said I’d get the gist. He’s so weird.”
Musk characterized MIT’s study as baseless and deeply hurtful.
“I have an incredible relationship with all of my many children with the exception of a few bad eggs, who I might add have the physiognomy of hysterical tavern maidens,” said Musk. “I should remind MIT, the media, and my children, some of which I can’t remember their names right now, that I am not only super rich, a world-class gamer, inventor, magician, and great in bed, but I am also one of the top fathers worldwide. I implore any ‘skeptics’ to check the leaderboards on TopDads.X.Com. I dominate the North American region, spending more than 1,000 dad-hours this month alone on fathering and accruing over 1.5 million pop-pop tokens in the process. These are the indisputable facts that confirm I am an exceptional father.”
At press time, researchers also concluded that Musk was five or six more baby mamas away from one that can actually stand to be around him.