TEMPE, Ariz. — A badly scratched copy of The Offspring’s 1998 studio album Americana was rejected for trade-in by the staff of Zeta Records & Movies last week, leaving economists and music enthusiasts scratching their heads in disbelief, according to sources still trying to cope with the swift, harsh judgment.
“I’m dumbfounded,” said Phil Copeland, owner of the 20-year-old relic. “I’ve been coming here for years. I always thought they knew what they were doing, but this proves they have no clue. How they managed to exist for so long is beyond me.”
“This is a first pressing!” he added. “Yeah, it’s got some obvious wear and tear from the countless spins I gave it, but it still plays most of the songs just fine.”
Copeland brought his aged, vinyl copy of what some have called “the greatest album ever recorded” to the store early Saturday morning, with understandably high hopes.
“I expected the whole thing to take two minutes. I figured, I’d walk out with enough to pay off my car, and still have more than enough left to cover air fare and a hotel for my sister’s wedding in New Hampshire next month,” the 38-year-old former Lyft driver told reporters. “The remaining few thousand would have gone to the Children’s Hospital. But I guess that’s not happening now, thanks to these idiots.”
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The management at Zeta was unavailable to comment, due to an onslaught of social media shaming after Copeland recounted the event on Facebook live. In the video, which at press time has over 2 million shares worldwide, an enraged Copeland lambasts the store — even going so far as to criticize their judgment of past trade-ins.
“You look on that top shelf behind the counter… and it’s just garbage, priced out like you wouldn’t believe,” Copeland said in the video. “$400 for a copy of Superunknown, signed by Chris Cornell? Are you serious? And a $750 Gibson that Tony Iommi supposedly owned? Uh, he was a guitar player. He owned lots of guitars. So what? Does that mean you have to hang it in your window and hope the King of Dubai or Jeff Bezos or whoever just happens to walk by and see it?”
At press time, Zeta allegedly offered another stunned customer a $2 store credit for a copy of landmark video game and undeniable Nintendo 64 masterpiece, South Park: Chef’s Luv Shack.
Photo by Vinyl Conflict Richmond.