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R. Kelly To Release All-New Hostage

CHICAGO — Noted rhythm-and-blues singer Robert Sylvester “R.” Kelly announced the impending release of an all-new hostage today, undercover police sources confirmed from inside Kelly’s mansion.

“Unlike my last few hostages, this one really pushes me out of my comfort zone,” sang the former Atlantic City Seagulls’ shooting guard, putting every sentence to a repetitive melody. “I’ve come up with hundreds of new ideas for her — way crazier than anything with my previous hostages. Despite my busy sex schedule, I made time to share what I’ve been working on with the world. It’s the only way I could get her out of my mind and basement.”

Although the official launch is still several months away, the hostage’s first finger has already been made available to the public.

“When R. Kelly called me into the studio to check out that pinky, I knew right away he was entering a new era in his development as an abusive cult leader,” said long-time Kelly co-conspirator Colin “Pudding” Ewan. “That severed digit is his way of letting the public know he isn’t messing around… and it perfectly encapsulates everything audiences will love about the entire hostage, once they finally get ahold of her.”

Kelly admitted he’ll likely continue to tweak his hostage, Candace Akins, right up until she’s revealed to the world.

“I think I’ve finally nailed down what she can eat, wear, and say, but I still feel like there’s a little bit more dominance I can exert,” explained the writer of “Trapped in the Closet Chapter 9,” which fans will remember featured an adulterous dwarf in the accompanying music video. “Like, Candace is an okay name… but what if I just called her Janet? Or maybe, R. Kelly Jr?”

At press time, sources reported R. Kelly heard a noise coming from the attic and abruptly headed upstairs, citing a desire to work on a potential follow-up hostage.