CHICAGO — A new sleep study released today by DIY Labs confirmed that your current level of inebriation is woefully inadequate for a punk’s night’s sleep.
“We hope these results demystify the science of sleep for punks everywhere,” said Dan Kane, who has been squatting in a storage closet at DIY Labs since 2018 and served as the lead punk in the study. “Our results were unequivocal: you gotta hit the bottle hard before you hit the hay. Punks need to stop worrying about mainstream sleep deprivation solutions like getting exercise or avoiding caffeine late in the day. Fretting over that type of thing has no meaningful impact on your sleep. In short, you need to get down to optimizing the timing of your peak intoxication to ensure you are three sheets to the wind whenever and wherever you hit the sheets.”
Dr. Karl Dowd, Assistant Director of University of Chicago’s Sleep Lab and former lead singer of short-lived Straight Edge act Pure Bliss, questioned the validity of the study.
“I hesitate to even call this a study since it was not peer-reviewed and they used Schlitz to get subjects sloshed,” said Dr. Dowd. “Even if actual sleep scholars could reproduce these results in a lab, the benefits to lay punks outside Milwaukee, or maybe Chicago, are likely negligible. Besides, it’s just not healthy for people to think they need to get tanked up before hunkering down for the night. What you’re supposed to do is go to bed early while completely sober, let the existential anxiety gradually sink in, and finally fall asleep at 4am like a normal person.”
Sleep study participant and former bassist of screamcore cult favorite Sentient Sardines, Jim Friel, disagrees, waiving his anonymity rights to sing the praises of the study.
“This whole experience was a game changer for me,” said Friel. “I’ve discovered that getting wasted is even more fun when you’re getting blitzed in the service of science! And I always thought I got the best rest in rooms with blackout blinds, but partyin’ with the DIY guys helped me understand that I can achieve my deepest sleep anywhere when I’m on the precipice of being blackout drunk.”
At press time, Dr. Dowd ended his Insomnia Support Group’s deep breathing session early to take them to a campus bar with a $3 special on PBR tallboys.