ANN ARBOR, Mich. — Local punk Roxy Molloy reportedly invited guests to bob for cigarettes at her annual Halloween party at DIY venue The Sharp, confirmed sources that still reek of stale tobacco water.
“Every year, we aim for something fresh and unique,” said Molloy. “Last year, we stuffed a Nancy Reagan piñata with cigarettes and candy corn and used it like a stationary pinata. The year before, we had a costume contest—naturally, I won with my unbeatable Siouxsie Sioux—but there were some serious contenders. But this year we wanted to try something we hadn’t done before and update a Halloween classic. That’s how we got to the bobbing for cigarettes game. A lot of folks in this community love cigarettes—I mean, really love them. The competition was so fierce that we might not do it again next year. There were several fist fights and at least four people nearly drowned.”
Straight edge partygoer Fred Joyce appreciated that Molloy set up a candy cigarette bobbing game to accommodate her non-smoking friends.
“I’m always a little hesitant to come to these things,” said Joyce. “Everyone is just getting fucked up and acting wild. I usually just hang out on the couch, drink La Croix, and pet the dog. But the bobbing for candy cigarettes game was surprisingly really, really fun. It’s rad that Roxy looks out for her friends who don’t drink or smoke. She’s the best. I will say though, the candy cigs got kind of sticky and gross in the water. Maybe she can revise that for next year.”
Dave Parish, a spokesperson for Philip Morris International, says the company has been keeping a close eye on events in Minneapolis and is hoping bobbing for cigarettes will become a nationwide Halloween tradition.
“We’re thrilled about this ‘bobbing for cigarettes’ trend,” Parish said while simultaneously texting several lobbyists. “Some are even calling it a nascent ‘craze.’ It’s about time Halloween games got a modern upgrade. I mean, doctors have been warning us for years about the dangers of bobbing for apples—drowning, choking, permanent tooth damage. Some say bobbing for apples is the new smoking. But bobbing for cigarettes? That’s the new Crossfit. Or Peloton. Or whatever the fuck. Who cares?”
At press time, guests were unsure whether the fog that had descended on the kitchen was from a smoke machine or recently won cigarettes.