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Punk Eating Apple With Knife Obviously Has Story to Tell

FORT LAUDERDALE, Fla. — An alluring, mysterious punk puzzled patrons of DIY venue The Back Room last Friday by leaning against a wall and casually eating an apple with a five-inch retractable combat pocket knife, according to multiple intrigued sources.

“I mean, was there even a band playing? I don’t remember — I couldn’t take my eyes off that guy,” said witness Sam Brooks. “He was deliberately cutting the apple into slices, so he clearly wanted us to know he had a knife. Was he in the army? A drifter looking for a fight? I have no idea… but I do know I saw a lot of pain in those eyes.”

The clandestine, shadowy punk, who many claim to have seen at shows but never interacted with him, apparently thought it was perfectly normal of a person to use a knife that can only be purchased at a gun store to eat a piece of fruit.

“He has this aura that seems to say, ‘Leave me alone,’ and, ‘Gather ’round for a tale that will chill you to your core’ all at the same time. Sometimes, he’ll sit at the bar and read Vonnegut while nonchalantly twirling the knife around in his hand,” said venue manager Gail Whitney. “I desperately want to ask him what his deal is, but I think that’s exactly what he wants… and I don’t want to give him that satisfaction.”


Most speculate the punk, who allegedly hopes desperately to become known just as The Knife Guy, has spun a well-crafted tale to accompany his blade and is just waiting for some sorry, unsuspecting bastard to ask him about it.

“I am 99 percent sure that is the same dude who used to sit at the bar shuffling a deck of cards in a top hat,” said scene veteran Chuck Logan. “I guess now he probably rides a motorcycle or some shit, too. He might be able to fool some of the younger kids here, but I remember when that dude played in a ska band and cried at a show.”

Adding to the mystery of the night, patrons reported the sudden addition of a fresh roll of toilet paper in the venue’s one bathroom, leading many to wonder who had brought it and how soon it would be destroyed.