CHICAGO — Punk dad Paul Bourne was briefly overcome by a wave of nostalgia for his reckless life before kids after seeing a carefree man passed out in a trough urinal, sources close to the man confirmed.
“I needed five minutes away from my kids so I went to the bathroom even though I didn’t need to pee, and when I walked in there he was—a guy basically living my dream life just passed out in a trough urinal, not a care in the world,” said Bourne, staring wistfully at the urine soaked man sleeping peacefully in the metal tub. “Shit, I haven’t slept that soundly in my own bed in years. I love my kids, but I couldn’t help but be nostalgic for a time in my life when I had no responsibilities, nothing holding me down—back when I could get so wasted I’d wake up two days later in a treehouse wearing nothing but a stolen firefighters jacket. Now I can’t even get a buzz when I help my kid make a model fire truck because airplane glue is non-toxic bullshit nowadays.”
Bourne’s wife, Meg, also admitted a nostalgia for their shitfaced youth, but expressed that those days were likely over.
“You think I don’t miss the time when I got so obliterated that I stole a police horse, rode it across the Mexican border, and founded a drug cartel? Of course I miss la Raza and the Cristobal Cartel, but we have kids now, and that’s all in the past,” said the mother of two, wiping a mystery substance from their oldest kid’s face. “If Paul and I could find the time for a date night I’d love to get so maggoted together we’d wake up in a hotel room not knowing who’s vomit was on the ceiling. But unfortunately nowadays if anyone is gonna be waking up in their own piss and puke, it’s our kids.”
Mutual friend Dre Morgan sympathized with the couple’s plight but offered reassurance that rowdier, drunker times were just on the horizon.
“It might seem like you lost part of yourself when you had kids, but eventually they’ll get older and you’ll be able to reclaim some freedom — hell my Uncle and his old lady just went on this three-month Carnival Cruise last month. They got so wasted off cheap wine they smuggled in that they trashed their room, stole a lifeboat, and woke up 200 miles away in Cuba,” said Morgan, googling how to wire money to Havana. “They settled down long enough to put three kids through college, and look at them now! They’re living proof that you can have a family and still get so drunk you commit treason from time to time.”
At press time, The Bournes were planning on leaving the kids with family so they could take a romantic, drug-fueled weekend away in Reno getting plastered, robbing an underground casino and escaping to the desert in a stolen RV.