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PC Punks Occupy Apple Store

CHICAGO – Dozens of local PC punks have occupied the Apple Store on North Michigan Avenue. What exactly the punks are protesting is unclear at this time, but most have Android phones and cardboard signs with vague slogans such as “FIGHT BACK!” and “FUCK YOUR OPERATING SYSTEM!”

What began as a peaceful and pointless demonstration quickly escalated to protesters looting the store.

“After arriving to the store and witnessing the demonstration, I’ve decided that I actually need this new iPhone 6 Plus to expose the violence inherent in the system,” Jack Smithers, 20, told The Hard Times. “It features slowmo video, cinematic video stabilization and continuous autofocus video. My Samsung Galaxy just won’t do that.”

The looting was further rationalized by a representative of the group, who asked to be identified only as “Spinach.”

“One of the best ways to spread our message is through social media, so our group uses our PCs to engage the communities on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Instagram, Tindr and ELLO – but after looking at some of the display models in the store here, I’ve chosen to take direct action in reclaiming this iPad Air 2 today,” Spinach said.

Spinach had been using a Windows Surface Pro 3 to call out Apple users on social media platforms for the last couple years but, after hearing the iPad 3 has an unrivaled 128GB of storage capacity, he’s decided to make a change.

“Storage capacity is a deal breaker for me. I know some people say you don’t need it but, trust me, I have a lot to share,” Spinach explained

Another protester seemed particularly irate, yelling and smashing display monitors and screaming, “I won’t take it anymore! This is outrageous!” A Hard Times reporter cautiously approached Jeremy White, 23, and asked him to explain his frustration.

Related: PC Punk’s Closet Full of Skeletons Wearing Washington Redskins Gear

“We’ve protested three different Apple Stores this month and I’ve yet to find one Apple Watch. Not one! I can’t be reaching in my pocket every time I need to Instagram a picture of vegan food; Apple Watch represents a new chapter in the relationship people have with technology, and I am ready for that change now!” White paused for a moment before encouraging his cohorts to chant along with him, “Change now! Change now! Change now!”

Satisfied with their demonstration at the Apple Store, the protesters were last seen marching towards the Whole Foods Market on West Huron Street, chanting “No justice, free hummus!” in unison.

Article by The Hard Times Staff @REALpunknews.

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  1. gamesthatiplay January 30, 2015

    Pics or it didn’t happen. At least the store is real.

  2. Russelll February 2, 2015

    This is gold. Especially because it took me like a whole minute to get the joke, so when it hit, it hit hard.

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