MADISON, Wisc. — Local polyamorous, gender-fluid teen Brendan McDaniels is frantically searching for the most respectful way to lose their virginity this year, sources close to the 18-year-old confirmed.
McDaniels, a senior at Edgewood High School, was pacing circles around the school gymnasium yesterday, feverishly cursing “antiquated gender norms.”
“I’m so exhausted,” said McDaniels. “You don’t even understand. I spent years coming to terms with my identity. My parents, my teachers, my friends… everyone has been incredibly supportive. I know where I am on the spectrum of sexuality — which is great — but now what? Every time I talk to someone I’d like to sleep with, my eyes glaze over and my thoughts become like the comments section of a high school gymnastics video on YouTube.”
A recent poll showed that at least 25 percent of current high school students struggle to decide “where to dip it in real good.” The poll was conducted by Eubanks Von Straussburg, himself a former teenager who has dedicated his life to helping others find their first partner with which to “dance with no pants.”
“I founded the National Foundation of Getting it Done to help young people chart a sexual roadmap… and for decades, it was successful,” said Straussburg. “Our most recent studies challenged everything we thought we knew. Like fools, we only concentrated on the traditional two-gender system — not accounting for the sexual renaissance of the 21st Century. The options are now limitless. It’s like the difference between stealing your dad’s Playboys, and suddenly having the internet. I’m just glad I’m not a teenager anymore.”
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For thousands of teenagers like McDaniels, the ever-changing landscape of ritual and language is making it difficult to find the most appropriate and consensual way to “jam it in and get weird.”
“I don’t know how to have a conversation with someone about sex that doesn’t feel like I’m at least sort of objectifying them, and that’s not something I’m willing to do,” said McDaniels. “And when I went to my Dad for advice, almost everything he told me to do would literally ruin the career of a famous person. His generation was gnarly.”
McDaniels is planning to lose their virginity by prom, and only if everyone is at peak comfort. Otherwise, they said, they would have to “ride the celibacy choo-choo into college like a total Scott Hapernick.”
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Article By Tyler Evans @tylerbrettevans.