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Out-of-Town Friend Won’t Stop Talking About How the Tap Water Tastes

NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Mourner Bryan Powell was reportedly infatuated last week with how different the tap water in Nashville tasted compared to that of his adopted hometown of Philadelphia, according to fellow former classmates also in town for the funeral.

“No matter what direction the conversation went, he just kept bringing it up,” said Pam Pierniczki, a grade school friend of Robert Magnusson, who passed away while running in a charity event. “The first time I was legitimately interested, since a few neighbors have told me about lead pipe scares they’ve had in their buildings. But he wanted to get a Brita charcoal filter thing and do double blind taste-tests, and it just didn’t seem appropriate.”

Powell’s hydration obsession developed after extensive reading during his drive to Nashville about the health benefits of proper water consumption.

“Bobby was such a bright, refreshing presence we’re all sure to miss,” Powell said in addressing the bereaved. “But did he ever mention that the tap water here has sort of a metallic taste to it? I’ll always remember his sophisticated palate. I’m sure he must have commented on the water here often.”

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Allegedly, Powell discussed the tap water with waiters, baristas, pallbearers, and, in one instance after a night bar-hopping, a group of particularly thirsty-looking stray cats during his four days in Nashville.

“I’m over it, frankly,” said Dominique Summers, who was set to wed the deceased in a ceremony this summer. “I was willing to give the pH strips a pass as a coping mechanism or whatever… but until they add ‘asking eerily-specific questions about toilet flushing habits’ to the five stages of grief, this dude needs to calm the fuck down.”

Pierniczki admitted that her brief glimmer of hope that the saga had ended left her when Powell came across a 15-year-old local news article detailing an E. coli outbreak in a nearby Cannon County reservoir.

Photo by Anya Volz @AnyaVolz.

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