LOS ANGELES — Canned water brand Liquid Death and Blink-182 drummer Travis Barker are collaborating on a new collectible enema kit that has proctologists around the country agreeing that it most certainly exists, without ever actually endorsing any medical benefits.
“I’ve been a practicing proctologist for 35 years, so I’ve seen it all. I’ll be honest, I’ve seen things that keep me up at night, people are just compelled to test the limits of their anus in so many ways,” said Dr. Armand Tsaryuk. “I can say with complete certainty that this Liquid Death and Travis Barker enema kit is definitely something that exists in the real world. I’m not entirely sure why it does, and why they sent me so many of them, but I appreciate it, I guess. But don’t come to my office and expect the ‘Enema of the State’ cover model to root around your backside, it will be me.”
Fans of Blink-182 and Travis Barker admit they are excited about the latest collaboration and the impact it could have on their rectal health.
“This definitely wouldn’t be the first product with Travis Barker’s name on it that I’ve shoved up my ass,” said longtime fan Eddie Seiffer. “I once stuffed The Transplants’ entire discography up there on a dare. They were Cds and the jewel cases were no picnic. The doctors said I was ‘the dumbest person they’ve ever met.’ Which is a nice feather in my cap. So I’m excited Travis finally has a product that serves a legit purpose and might actually leave me feeling refreshed down there. Plus the Liquid Death is going to feel like having champagne up there.”
At-home enema providers admitted they are worried this new product could affect their sales.
“We simply can’t compete with these guys. Our product uses warm tap water, these guys are using canned mountain water. That’s high-end colon flushing right there,” said an unnamed representative who wished to remain anonymous. “Plus the model on our box is just a doughy guy that looks like he lives on pizza and gas station energy drinks. Travis is a rock star that looks absolutely amazing, we might as well close up shop.”
At press time, The Supreme Court is expected to hear a case involving a Sum-41 branded version of Mifepristone.