WASHINGTON — The world’s richest man Elon Musk and President-elect Donald Trump are reportedly closer than ever after finding common ground while discussing which of their kids they hate, and which one they’d most like to have sex with, sources controlling the levers of power confirmed.
“I could tell that Donald was having some trouble understanding my sense of humor, it’s pretty advanced, but I knew if I just gave his campaign enough money he would finally find me funny,” said Musk in between working on his DOGE initiative. “One day I asked him if he’d ever played the game Fuck, Marry, Kill and he said no so we played it as an icebreaker. Naturally, I did what any good father would do and made it about our respective children. I of course would kill my kid who contracted the woke mind virus, sleep with the triplets, and marry whichever one looked the most like me. Gotta keep the bloodline pure and ongoing!”
Trump was more than happy to play along with this game.
“I don’t make mistakes often, people say I’m nearly perfect. Eric was a mistake, but I blame that on his mother, she was a real nasty woman. Low IQ, flat butt, the best deal I ever made was getting out of that marriage. But honestly, I wish I had more kids, specifically I wish I had more daughters because Ivanka is so gorgeous, the world would be a nicer place with more Ivankas,” said Trump. “I’d marry Ivanka, sleep with Ivanka, and I’d kill any of my kids that wanted to break their NDA even if it was Ivanka. But think of how many more options I’d have if I either recognized my secret children or if I hadn’t paid for all of those abortions. That’s why I got rid of Roe, people love me for that.”
Republican Speaker of the House Mike Johnson insisted that this perverse exercise was just locker room talk.
“Obviously this was two dads having a larf about their kids,” said Johnson. “What parent hasn’t thought about how handsome their child is or about whom they’d think would make for a good bride as soon as they turn 11. And the talk of killing them? Well some kids just need discipline and threatening to murder them is an acceptable and loving way of doing so. Or if they’re gay actually killing them is just an act of you acting out god’s mercy.”
At press time the conversation had become awkward again after J.D. Vance came in and started listing furniture.