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Mom Needs You to Sell Five Tickets to Thanksgiving If You Want to Eat

THE SUBURBS — Your mother left you a stern voicemail this morning, reminding you that if you want to participate in this week’s holiday festivities, you’re going to have to bring some people, sources confirmed.

“Look, a lot of people want to be part of this dinner,” your mother said in the terse message. “I got friends and neighbors calling me — everyone is bugging me for a seat at that table. I only have so many spots, though, so we gotta do it this way. You might not like it, but you have to earn your spot this year, young man.”

Featured guests at the Thanksgiving feast include your brother and his family making the drive down from New Jersey, who are slated for the best spot at the table, right next to the turkey. Your mother’s message did clarify that there was room for “one or two locals,” however.

“I’m a little hesitant to book you, honestly, since you and Travis kind of bring the same thing to the table and I’m trying to get some diversity on the lineup,” she continued. “But if you can bring a new girlfriend and her parents, we can definitely talk.”

The message was merely the latest in a string of increasingly strict parameters your mother has set to earn holiday participation, you report. Earlier this year, you were seen handing out flyers for her Independence Day celebration, not long after she insisted you make a full Instagram story about her Memorial Day cookout.


With exposure to wealthy grandparents at its highest, spots at the family table for Thanksgiving feasts across the country have been increasingly difficult to book.

“These holiday house venues are often small, sometimes only fitting 12 to 16 people if it’s an all ages dinner,” said Thanksgiving dinner expert Henry Robson. “These days, you can’t just show up to your parents’ place with a pie you bought at a Stop and Shop. You’re going to have go all-out and prove you can bring something more.”

Though demanding, the message allegedly ended with a change of heart.

“OK, look: even if you don’t sell the tickets, I’m sure we’ll have room for you — just don’t tell anyone I told you that. And I can’t let you sell any merch; the kids are gonna be using the table,” the message said. “Love you. Talk soon.”

Photo by Anya Volz @AnyaVolz.