SAN FRANCISCO — A crudely made oil and watercolor painting on the wall of Revelry Coffee Roasters has a reported sale price of $750 fucking dollars for some crazy fucking reason, multiple confused customers confirmed.
“I saw it and thought, ‘Are you fucking kidding me?’ This guy just painted over some newspapers and glued them onto a canvas… and wants most of my fucking paycheck for it?” said regular patron Dawn Codjoe. “I mean, come the fuck on — my nephew in kindergarten does shit that doesn’t look much different, and I get that garbage for free.”
The absolute atrocity of a painting, and its price tag, allegedly drew the attention of every person unfortunate enough to sit within eyesight of it.
“I come to this coffee shop because it’s normally pretty quiet, and I can work on my writing without distraction,” said freelance music journalist Terry Stusser. “I was working at a table close to the painting and just happened to see how much the artist wanted for it… and I swear to fucking Christ, I spit my coffee halfway across the cock-sucking room. I almost wish the artist would come into the shop right now, because I would fucking knock their block off for pulling a bullshit move like charging a full fucking $750 for something that looks like it was pulled out of a wet recycling bin.”
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Despite the lack of interested buyers, the artist behind the piece, Jeff Chalmers, stood by the hefty price tag.
“Well, I am sorry if some people don’t ‘get it,’ but this is my best work to date. It shows off not only technical ability, but it also displays true emotion,” explained the obviously delusional college student with a crazy-inflated sense of importance. “What people fail to see is the subtle interplay of colors, and how the piece itself comes alive when displayed under different light.”
“Also, it took me, like, four weeks to paint, and my buddy Kevin sells his rusty bike chain sculptures for way more, so I don’t see what the big deal is,” he added.
At press time, Revelry management confirmed that the current pieces up for sale will soon be replaced by other works from local artists — including a God-fucking-awful found-art work of disposable cameras taped to a piece of plywood, and a shitty-ass photo collage glued to an old couch cushion. Both are expected to be priced at $2,500.