PEORIA, Ill. — A masked member of a local militia who was harassing people waiting in line to vote embarrassingly forgot where he left his state trooper squad car, sources who were only there for the “I Voted” stickers report.
“So I was at the polling station at the VFW hall and getting all in everyone’s faces and ‘suggesting’ it would be in their best interests to vote for Trump. When I was done and feeling good about myself I went to leave but forgot where I parked my squad car… I mean regular car that is not at all for a state official,” said [Officer] Joe Grannings. “That car is like a company car and I need to find it otherwise my cap… boss is going to be really mad at me.”
Some of those who were waiting to vote say that despite the fact the man was wearing a mask and camouflage tactical gear it was quite clear he was a member of law enforcement.
“It was painfully obvious to all of us that he was a cop. At one point while he was screaming in this old woman’s face and chest lunging at her his badge fell out of his pocket. Then when I laughed he told me I was ‘committing a 602’,” said Jennifer Rafael. “He also was having a hard time keeping his eyes off the doughnuts the poll workers had inside. Dead giveaway.”
Jared Duluth says he and his fellow poll workers noticed the militia member causing trouble and decided to call the police to deal with it only to see the man leave and return wearing a uniform.
“We all noticed that quasi-military-looking guy was out there causing a disturbance so we called the cops. I saw the guy answer something on his walkie-talkie and then he left and came back a few minutes later dressed as a state trooper but was still wearing his ‘3-percenter’ hat,” said Duluth. “He asked us to describe the individual and when we gave him the description of exactly what the cop looked like he said ‘Sounds like we’re looking for a super good-looking hero whose daddy definitely went to all his little league games as a young boy.’”
At press time, the man who had switched back to his militia outfit had found his squad car and drove it past the polling line while yelling out the window “Whoa, this is so crazy that the keys to my normal car work on this cop car, right?”