BOSTON — Mark Wahlberg sparked controversy after claiming that Elon Musk’s botched penis implant “wouldn’t have gone down like that” if he was the attending surgeon, sources confirmed.
“It’s a total tragedy how those surgeons fucked up Elon’s cock, I mean look at that worthless piece of shit—it looks like a scared little toad peeking out of a mudhole. Well it wouldn’t have gone down like that if I was performing the surgery, I can promise you that much,” said Wahlberg. “I would have taken control in that operating room and implanted a rod so big it’d make the Hancock Tower look like a Slim Jim, instead of that gross red dog dick thing he’s got going on now. Then Elon would be like ‘thanks so much for this massive hog, Mark’ and I’d be like ‘hey no problem guy, enjoy impregnating all those weird ladies with your huge cyberpenis.'”
Musk’s plastic surgeon responded to Wahlberg’s claims, alleging that the scope of the male enhancements the SpaceX founder asked for was “not medically possible.”
“I tried my best to make the augments that Mr. Musk requested, but what he was asking for was simply not realistic based on the state of his original member—you try surgically transforming wet hamburger in a baby sock into the Washington Monument,” said Dr. Kaminski. “Then he insisted on being awake during the procedure so he could micromanage the implant process, and when I told him that if we attached any more of the ‘cyber-enhancements’ he brought with him the penile structure would collapse on itself like a pubic blackhole. Then when it fell apart like all of his other ideas, he went on X and called me a pedophile.”
Following the botched surgery, Musk reportedly turned to fertility expert Dr. John Marley in his quest to impregnate a small army of female employees.
“At first I was honored that Mr. Musk chose me to support his quest to staff the federal government entirely with his offspring, but I didn’t realize how challenging the process would be—it was kind of like milking an earthworm but with much, much more sobbing,” said Dr. Marley. “And then he started bringing in a phrenology chart and calipers and demanded I discard any sperm absent of his ‘desired caucasoid features.’ I finally told him to find a different fertility doctor after he asked if it was possible to load a blowgun dart with his sperm to impregnate women from afar.”
At press time, Wahlberg claimed that JD Vance killing the Pope wouldn’t have gone down like that if he was at the Vatican.