WASHINGTON. — Local 32-year-old Seth Kepling informed friends Friday night that his iPhone 13, which is covered by an AppleCare plan, actually has better insurance than he receives through his job at Manny’s Juice Bar.
“It all started with a cracked screen on my phone. I was ready trash it because that fucking iPhone 13 is so damn old, its a real piece of shit. But my buddy Jay said I should go down to the Apple Store and see if they could take care of it,” said Kepling while smacking his phone on a table to get the WiFi to connect. “I thought I was wasting my time, but they checked my account and sure enough, I had been paying for AppleCare for like 3 years and didn’t even know. I had no fucking idea all the stuff this covers, there’s literally nothing I could do to this phone that they wouldn’t fix. And yet here I am still paying off debt from an ambulance ride to the emergency room from a decade ago. I hate this country.”
Apple Genius Bar Tech Ed Capland believes that Kepling is correct in his assessment.
“He’s got a point, I’ve seen so many phones that are savagely beaten by their owners. Shattered screens, broken speakers, leaking batteries. I know I can fix them all, I’m a fucking miracle worker on these things,” said Capland. “But this guy Seth starting talking about how his phone literally had better insurance than him like, as a person, and I gotta say, that messed me up a bit. I guess my miraculous healing hands just don’t work on shattered tailbones.”
Health care expert and benefits counselor at Aetna of Greater Washington Sheila Armstrong thinks the comparison is a little over the top.
“I mean, come on, comparing a phone to a person? No one, and I mean no one, can put a price on a human life,” said Armstrong, while simultaneously typing up a benefits denial to a 37-year old cancer patient. “But a brand new 1TB iPhone 15 Pro Max is like $1600, so you wouldn’t want to skimp on coverage there. When combined with an Otterbox case and a techguard screen cover, you literally have the best protection plan you can buy. Having a phone for a few years that’s bulletproof, as opposed to the body you’ll have for, well, life, is so worth it.”
At press time Kepling was inquiring about getting an AppleCare plan and an protective casing to cover himself.