NEW BEDFORD, Mass. — Friends and family of local man Rick Winston marveled at his nonchalant attitude about attending highly anticipated social events without realizing it’s actually due to severe social anxiety, sources confirmed.
“Rick is the man. He doesn’t give a shit about anything. While everyone else is out partying, creating memories that will last a lifetime, and expanding their social circle, he just stays at home and works on jigsaw puzzles. That’s a boss move,” said Eddie Greeley, Winston’s former roommate. “He’s just such a mystery. He talks your ear off when you hang out with him alone, and the last time we hung out he made me laugh so hard I ruptured a blood vessel in my eye. But he vanishes into thin air whenever there are more than four people in a room; it’s crazy. And he legitimately doesn’t care about any of the cool new coffee shops in town, he just goes to the same Dunkin’ Donuts he’s gone to since he was 11 and orders the same exact thing every day.”
Winston admits he does not have such a positive outlook on his social life.
“It’s been this way since I was a teenager. I’ve always just felt like I was bothering people, and I find it easier just to stay home and rewatch ‘The X-Files’ for the 40th time rather than force someone to talk to me. I’ve got my tight circle of two friends, that’s all I really need,” said Winston while scouring the internet for vintage “The Simpsons” toys. “But I am really jealous of people who live their life without fear. People who can just walk into buildings and be like ‘I have an appointment’ rather than sit in their car in the parking lot for six hours trying to work up the courage to go inside.”
Sociologist Keira Guinin says many people like Winston suffer in silence while the outside world perceives them to be some sort of counter-culture badass.
“I’ve observed it more times than I can count, every friend group has at least one person who seemingly refuses to leave the house. Because this person is never around, everyone else will make up stories that are way cooler than reality,” said Guinin. “Typically the mysterious friend is not doing a solo road trip across the Southwest to work on their book of short stories. They are at home, in their sweatpants looking at cat litter reviews on Amazon to try to make their apartment a little less stinky.”
At press time, friends of Winston mistook a suicidal text he sent to an ex as a funny joke, rather than a desperate cry for help.