BURLINGTON, Vt. — Local extremely confused man Kirk Unger struggled to determine if he was hearing a live recording of The Grateful Dead or just standing in the main room at Guitar Center on a busy Saturday afternoon, concerned onlookers reported.
“Look man, I’m not saying I’m on drugs right now, but I’m not NOT saying I’m on drugs either. And I cannot tell if this fantastic groove is the Dead–maybe Washington D.C., 1986?” stated Unger, seemingly unbothered by the multiple Fender Telecasters he knocked over earlier in the day. “I’m hearing multiple musicians harmonize in really avant garde ways, but I’m also hearing subtle homages to ‘Master of Puppets’ and ‘Seven Nation Army.’ Am I in a Guitar Center? Or is the main room of Guitar Center within each and every one of us? Is Jerry still alive?”
Longtime employees of the Burlington location Guitar Center seemed vexed by their own perceptions of reality.
“I cannot do this anymore. I cannot. I’m done. What even is sound? A little kid was butchering the first four notes of Stairway this morning when the Grateful Dead came on the in-store radio. Why does God hate me so much?” asked an exasperated Lisa McCollins, longtime employee in Guitar Center’s drum department. “Later, seven dads all came in to test out the most expensive Les Pauls through Marshall half-stacks. I think maybe one bought some picks. I don’t deserve this punishment. Maybe I’ve inherited sin from my family ancestors. Please, someone, bash my skull in with a Big Muff Pi pedal.”
Musicologists attempt to offer a logical, researched explanation of the appeal of the Grateful Dead’s music.
“Jerry Garcia and his bandmates perfected a form of disconnected noodling played by musicians who don’t care at all what their fellow performers are doing,” offered Dr. Thomas Yardley, professor of music composition & theory at The University of Vermont. “The Grateful Dead, and jam bands in general, create a particular form of benign chaos. Largely unlistenable to the sober ear, the music gets infinitely more pleasurable the more fucked up you get. I’m happy to draw you a graph, if you’d like a visual representation.”
As of press time, Unger was reportedly debating whether or not he was listening to Merzbow or in fact standing next to a cement mixer.