GREENVILLE, Vt. — Lifelong Greenville resident Jordan Mateusz struggled to recall yesterday which of the many tragedies that befell his hometown prompted the creation of a “Greenville Strong” T-shirt in his dresser.
“You’d think in a small town like this there’d be like, one, maybe two recent tragedies. And while that thought is really quaint, it’s just not realistic in 2019 America. Maybe this still holds true in Canada or something, but not here,” said Mateusz. “I’ve been racking my brain all morning, but after so many mass shootings by alt-right incels, record-breaking hurricanes, or even bridge collapses, all those ineffective benefit concerts and prayer circles just start to blend together.”
Mateusz reportedly wore the T-shirt to work on Friday, hoping someone might jog his memory of the forgotten devastation.
“Jordan was acting really awkward and kept saying things like, ‘Boy, can you imagine it’s been so many years since this happened? Or maybe a couple months… how long has it been?’ But I couldn’t remember either, so to save face I pretended to start crying and ran to the bathroom. I felt bad, but at a certain point you go numb and start to lose track,” said coworker Sarah Plummer. “Between my own Greenville Strong T-shirt, my ‘Never Forget’ bumper sticker, ‘Pray for Vegas’ beer koozie, and ‘Resilient New Orleans’ popsocket, I’m refusing to buy any more tragedy merch unless there are at least 20 victims.”
Greenville mayor Theresa Aldert didn’t so much come to the defense of her city as acknowledge that this is simply par for the course nowadays.
“Sure, Greenville may sound like a terrible place to live… but the way I see it, soon every American city will have a domestic terrorism incident, climate change related disaster, and antivaxxer-spawned measles outbreak. So why fight it?” said Aldert. “In fact, this is why the Greenville tourism board’s newest marketing campaign is, ‘Greenville: exactly as shitty as everywhere else in America.’”
At press time, Mateusz had narrowed down the disaster behind the shirt to either a 2016 bombing at the town’s fireworks factory, or the ebola outbreak at the annual hot dog eating contest.