HOUSTON — Stranded Boeing Starliner astronauts are considering themselves lucky as a delay pushed their return back to February 2025, therefore continuing to trap them in space during the election year, NASA sources confirmed.
“When you’re stranded in space, it’s hard not to lose hope—sometimes I look down at that pale blue dot and wonder if I’ll ever get home. But in my lowest moments I think to myself, ‘well at least I’m not stuck in America with those lunatics during an election year,’” said NASA astronaut Butch Wilmore, looking out the window on the International Space Station. “I know my family is worried about me, and I wish they could be up here with me safe from the campaign ads and Trump rallies. But at the end of the day, it’s an honor and a privilege to be one of the lucky few orbiting the planet as far away from MAGA weirdos as humanly possible.”
Wilmore’s family reportedly stayed strong despite the reality that their loved one would remain in space while trapped in an inhospitable hellhole during an election year.
“We’re all so proud of him, and I’m trying to stay strong for the family, but I have to admit that it’s been tough knowing that he’s blissfully isolated in the peaceful vacuum of space without us,” said Wilmore’s wife Claire, turning off a CNN exposé about J.D. Vance wiping a booger on his family dog. “Between the endless attack ads, the threats of political violence, and whatever bizarre shit RFK Jr. says every 48 hours, it’s been really difficult to explain to the kids why they’re stuck down here while their Dad is safe in a fragile metal tube traveling around the Earth at a relaxing 250 MPH.”
NASA engineers were already hard at work installing additional fail-safes to ensure that no more astronauts would be stranded in space in the event they intentionally tried to delay their returns until 2025.
“I can assure you that those of us in Mission Control are doing everything in our power to get these astronauts home as soon as possible, because frankly it’s not fair that they get to be up there while the rest of us down here have to endure another election cycle,” said NASA engineer Maggie Belmont, writing calculations on a whiteboard. “These lucky bastards are so busy trying to survive in a hostile environment that they have no idea that Mindy Kaling called Nancy Pelosi the ‘Mother of Dragons’ at the Democratic National Convention. And God forbid anything goes wrong, but at least they would burn up upon reentry without ever seeing a ‘Trumpy Trout’.”
Meanwhile competition was reportedly fiercer than ever for the first manned mission to Mars that would see astronauts hurtling through undiscovered reaches of space for the next two election cycles.