PIERRE, S.D. – South Dakota Governor and potential Trump 2024 running mate Kristi Noem tried to save face after admitting to shooting her dog by claiming that the dog was infected with the “woke mind virus” and therefore needed to be euthanized.
“That dog was a menace to me and my children and needed to be put down,” said Noem in a statement. “I thought the dog was growling when I heard it go ‘herrrrrr’ near my son, but then I realized it was trying to queer him up by referring to him as a ‘her.’ I knew the only way to protect him at that point was to put a bullet between Fido’s woke eyes before he turned my children into transvestite commie Jewish Palestine sympathizers. Unlike that fake COVID, the woke mind virus is a real threat to my children and I won’t let it spread, no matter how many dogs I have to kill.”
Current indictee Donald Trump had effusive praise for the way Kristi handled the situation.
“There’s a fantastic reason I never let any dogs into my White House,” said Trump outside of a New York courthouse. “Dogs are the perfect vessel for transmitting the woke mind virus because of the disgusting way they lick your face and are always asking for pets like the little trolls they are. Disgusting animals. Did you know that Mike Pence has a dog? It’s clear that the reason he didn’t refuse to certify the election is because his dog infected him with the virus. Don’t worry though, when I’m president again I will make sure to have his dog hanged.”
Some such as veterinarian Suzanne Ford disputed the conclusion that the dog had the woke mind virus.
“These people don’t know anything about basic biology,” said Ford frustratedly. “The woke mind virus is only designed to impact people, not dogs. Besides, the woke-mind virus was only invented in 2017, which was well after the incident in which she shot the poor pooch. There was no risk at that point that we could’ve seen human to dog transmission.”
At press time it was reported that Noem could be seen laughing hysterically after being shown a clip of the end of “Old Yeller.”
Photo by Gage Skidmore