NEW ORLEANS — Rapper Kendrick Lamar thrilled the nation during his Super Bowl halftime appearance after revealing his special guest performer was none other than a bound and gagged Drake being lowered into a tank filled with bloodthirsty sharks, cheering viewers have confirmed.
“Everyone anticipated Kendrick’s performance was going to be iconic, but the most exciting part was guessing who the special guest was going to be. That moment the lights went out and ‘Not Like Us’ started sent chills up my spine, but it was nothing compared to him revealing the final guest spot belonged to a massive tank of ravenous sharks about to feast on none other than the man who sang ‘God’s Plan.’ The cheers were deafening,” said attendee Scott Walker. “Everyone had a great sight line of Drake writhing bound to that kitchen chair, I mean the production team thought of everything. The one shark leaping out of the water and missing his leg by an inch during the ‘A-Minor’ part will go down as one the greatest moments in halftime history.”
The halftime production team admitted they didn’t think they’d be able to pull off Lamar’s vision.
“Kendrick’s proposal was ‘James Bond captured by the villain but reversed,’ and honestly we didn’t think it could be pulled off based on sheer logistics. But he came to us with a pretty solid plan for borrowing the sharks from an aquarium in Miami, as well as deploying a crack team of ex-Navy Seals to kidnap Drake from his home in the middle of the night and sedate him long enough to wake up being repelled from the rafters of the Superdome,” said production coordinator Casey Jenson. “Kendrick ceaselessly torturing Drake is overwhelmingly popular with a majority of viewers, and from the looks of it the circling sharks would also agree.
Drake fans were outraged that the beef with Kendrick was taken this far.
“Kendrick already executed him metaphorically, now he has to literally do it? It should be J.Cole in that chair, he’s the one who started all this!” said Devin McCallister. “Where are Drake’s lawyers to respond when he needs them? Damn you, Kung Fu Kenny! Sure, this was technically the first time in my life that I got to see Drake live, but probably not the last time I’ll see him publicly tortured at a nationally televised event.”
At press time, the game was delayed as referees were unable to stop nearly all of the Chiefs and Eagles players from dancing on stage as Drake continued to be lowered to his doom.
Photo credit: Kenny Sun