SEATTLE — Amazon founder and CEO Jeff Bezos announced his plans today to “personally beat the shit out of small business owners across the country” during a routine shareholder meeting, frightened investors confirmed.
“My VPs have informed me there are still businesses operating entirely independently of Amazon. This sickens me to my core,” said Bezos, taking a break from punching a well-worn heavy bag at Amazon headquarters. “I thought fucking up small business owners by undercutting them at every corner would be enough. I was wrong. Clearly, it’s time to pound faces into the fucking pavement.”
The new initiative, Amazon CloudAssault, has operated in beta for several weeks, with Bezos pummelling Seattle small business owners into various states of unconsciousness.
“I will not only beat the ever-living shit out of these rogue businessmen and women, but also beat the fuck out of them, too,” declared Bezos. “I dare you to apply for a small business loan. Bring a bucket full of water — we’ll need it to wash the blood off the sidewalk.”
In Amazon’s introductory video, Bezos is seen walking into an arts & crafts store owned by 71-year-old war veteran Barney McGillicuddy and “going to town.”
“Mr. McGillicuddy clearly greets Mr. Bezos with a friendly smile right before Mr. Bezos throat-punches him and tips his shelves,” said media analyst Paulette Forning. “The beating — which includes seven minutes of noogies, roundhouse kicks, and chokeholds — ends with Bezos’ voice over the Amazon logo, stating, ‘Welcome to capitalism, bitches.’”
In the video, Bezos further reminded investors that he “didn’t just set out to create the world’s most successful business: he set out to create the world’s only business.”
“So help me God, I will see to it that every single non-Amazon business in the U.S. either shuts themselves down, or I will destroy it myself,” said Bezos. “I just learned Muay Thai and, obviously, I pack heat. No one is safe. Your money is mine. Your property is mine. Fuck you.”
Bezos also announced Amazon’s exploratory phase of a space program that will allow him to headbutt the moon into pieces.