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Jealous Florida Senate Hurriedly Passes Bill Allowing Teachers to Pistol Whip Tardy Students

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Members of the Florida Senate quickly passed a new bill last night that will allow teachers K-12 to publicly pistol whip students who are late to class, confirmed sources who admitted they were jealous of a new Tennessee Senate bill allowing teachers concealed carry weapons.

“That Tennessee bill is so cool, I mean just imagine being a teacher, and some kid is mouthing off to you about how you drive a crappy Honda and then you bust out a huge gun and say something badass like ‘Your life is suspended’ before unloading on him, I want that in Florida so bad,” said Republican Senator Dennis Baxley. “Thankfully we were able to come together and pass something we are all happy with called the ‘Retard Tardiness Bill’ which gives our hard-working teachers the freedom to smash the butt of a gun into a student’s head, face, or neck if they are more than 30 seconds late for class without a note from a member of the clergy.”

Governor Ron DeSantis is expected to pass the bill into law in a special ceremony later today.

“Make no mistake, this is a bipartisan accomplishment that shows the Florida government works. Democrats had very valuable input in creating the bill, their additions made it so this only applies to students who are late more than three times starting from kindergarten and the number of strikes allowed depends on the size of the gun,” said DeSantis. “I hope we can expand on this historic bill even further by giving our teachers the freedom to fire a few warning shots into the floor any time students won’t settle down, and I’d personally love to see problem students have to play a few rounds of Russian Roulette in front of a crowded auditorium to show these kids we mean business.”

School safety advocates immediately criticized the lawmakers in each state.

“Arming teachers is not a solution. Public school teachers have a very difficult job, and they should be given more resources to educate children, not threaten the lives of children. Not to mention that being a teacher doesn’t exactly make you a saint, all of us had that one alcoholic high school teacher that was holding on by a thread,” said community organizer Tasha Young. “For me that was Mr. Sullivan, one time two students were fighting in the lunchroom and he choke slammed one of the kids through a table to break it up. Everyone called him The Undertaker after that.”

At press time, Arizona lawmakers revived a bill from the 1860s that would allow teachers to publicly hang any students accused of “sass mouth.”