AUSTIN, Texas — J.D. Vance sat down for a three-hour interview with popular podcaster Joe Rogan to let potential voters know he’s just a completely normal guy doing the bidding of vengeful tech titans like anyone else.
“Listen Joe, I’m a man of the people. A completely normal guy. Every morning I wake up when Peter Thiel tells me to and I eat all the vitamins he’s laid out for me just like everyone in my hometown of Middletown, Ohio. After that I sing the National Anthem and do the Pledge of Allegiance before hopping on a video call where Elon Musk watches me get dressed,” said Senator Vance after being asked if he thought chimpanzees have nightmares. “Right now America is in trouble, we have so many people talking poorly about billionaires when all they do is create jobs. I wouldn’t be where I am today without billionaires, and all they ask in return is a few political favors and photos of my toilet after I evacuate my bowels.”
Kyle Begley, a longtime listener of “The Joe Rogan Experience,” admits Vance’s appearance on the show was off-putting.
“I was excited to hear if the guy ever trained in MMA, I thought anyone with a name like J.D. was required to do a combat sport, or at least beat up nerds, but this dude was the one who actually sounded kinda nerdy. The guy went to Yale, only nerds go to Yale,” said Begley. “This whole thing is crazy because Trump is such a man’s man. I don’t know why Trump wants to hang out with this dude who keeps talking about the capital gains tax policy. The whole conversation was super boring, even the part where they were debating whether Bigfoot or The Mothman would win in an arm wrestling match just seemed forced.”
A spokesperson for the Trump campaign says Senator Vance’s appearance on the show was a big success.
“The hardworking venture capitalists across the country really see themselves in Senator Vance and that shows in the donations we received after the show aired. These working-class titans of industry loved the shoutouts and gave an additional $45 million in funds so we can change this country for the better,” said campaign manager Susie Wiles. “Mr. Rogan also gave us all very nice gift baskets filled with elk meat and a DMT-infused soft drink that is only legal in Columbia. We can’t wait to give it a try.”
Senator Vance was unavailable for further comment because he was on his daily video call with his billionaire backers where he dresses up like a puppy and performs for them, just like everyone else from his small hometown.