MINNEAPOLIS — An ICE agent being treated at Abbott Northwestern Hospital in Minneapolis recently attempted to deport the doctor performing his open heart surgery, confirmed sources.
“One minute I’m macing protesters, laughing, having a good time, and the next minute I’m at the hospital being rushed into an operating room for an emergency triple bypass,” said agent Fred Reynolds. “Suddenly, the guy who’s supposed to be cutting me open comes in and wouldn’t you know it, he’s an Indian! The kind from India, not America. I immediately shook off my anesthesiologist and demanded to see his birth certificate. Surgery can wait. I have humans to deport.”
The agent reportedly tried to jump off the operating table to physically detain surgeon Yusuf Gupta despite already being hooked up to several IVs and an EKG.
“Upon seeing that I was of Pakistani descent, the patient became agitated and started screaming at me to show him ‘my papers’ as well as accusing me of crossing the border from India into America illegally,” said Dr. Gupta. “I tried to tell him that my parents were from Pakistan—not India—and that I was born right here in Minnesota, but he wouldn’t listen. The patient is minutes away from a major cardiac episode, he’s going to die if I don’t start operating on him, and his biggest concern is whether I’m a citizen or not. How crazy is that? We finally got him sedated, although he did wake up once during the actual surgery but only enough to point a finger gun at me and slur the words ‘Fucking bitch’ before passing back out. Amazingly, despite everything, the surgery was a success.”
United States Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem discussed the incident during a press conference yesterday, praising the ICE agent for his commitment to his duties and accusing Dr. Gupta of interfering in a legal immigration operation.
“That brave ICE agent was doing exactly what he was trained to do—accusing people with abnormal pigmentation of coming here illegally. Between Alex Pretti and now Dr. Gupta it’s clear that many of America’s doctors and nurses have been radicalized by ANTIFA and other domestic terrorist groups like the American Medical Association.” said Noem. “As ICE continues to lower its recruitment standards, we expect an influx of physically unfit agents, which will no doubt result in a steep increase in ER visits. As such, we recommend that medical professionals begin carrying their birth certificates or naturalization papers tucked somewhere in their scrubs at all times.”
At press time, Reynolds was under fire for allegedly threatening to deport a Korean massage therapist after she refused to give him a happy ending.
