CORPUS CHRISTI, Texas — ICE officer Brendan Williams was disciplined and forced to undergo mandatory callousness training after being caught giving water to a detained immigrant, the agency has confirmed.
“I figured since we’re ripping these people out of their homes and communities indefinitely, they were supposed to be kept hydrated while being held! But I found out the hard way handing out water bottles was creating a hostile work environment for my peers, and now I’m stuck doing hours of training modules and videos about closing my heart off to people seeking a better life,” said Williams. “Honestly, after the third video I started questioning if violating human rights was really making our country safer, but my HR lead says the best way to be a team player is showing up to work with a good attitude and no moral compass.”
Williams’ supervisor stood by the decision to enact an extensive retraining session.
“Brendan’s actions had severely negative consequences, primarily creating an environment where fellow agents remember the Geneva Convention says prisoners can have food and water. Brendan’s mandatory retraining will help remind him that any display of humanity towards undocumented migrants is tantamount to treason,” said field office head Richard Sterns. “The training is pretty straightforward. After four hours straight of Newsmax clips, Brendan will be presented with a cup of water and asked if he should share it with a dehydrated detainee or pour it on the ground and laugh. I do have high hopes we can get him back on track.”
Some former immigration officers said the agency has lost sight of its mission.
“I joined up thinking we were going to be stopping drug runners and terrorists, and for a while there it seemed like what we were doing was justified. But the higher-ups started implementing this new callousness training because a few of us spoke up about the whole kids in cages thing. I kept getting reported to HR for giving them blankets, so I finally told them to fuck off,” said Sarah Hendricks. “I heard it’s even worse now. If they catch you ensuring detainees’ zip ties aren’t overtightened or you gave them a bucket to piss in, it’s an automatic write up and you have to write an apology letter to Tom Homan.”
As of press time, Williams was forced to attend extended training after giving a migrant half of a sandwich he was about to throw away.