LOS ANGELES — Literary agent and frequent binge drinker Lana Delano has no idea that despite her protests, California’s statewide 2 a.m. last call is the only reason she remains among the living, concerned friends reported.
“It’s fucking bullshit! When I lived in New York I would stay out ‘til four most nights. LA is so lame,” said Delano, whose stomach has been pumped no less than six times in the last two years. “The night is just getting started at 2 a.m. And hell, you’re lucky to even find a bar that stays open that late. Most of these hipster bars start flipping on the lights between midnight and 1 a.m. What is this, Utah? What about my Constitutional right to the pursuit of happiness?”
Delano’s friends are relieved that with her recent move to The Golden State, the odds of her experiencing lethal alcohol poisoning are somewhat lower than before.
“I started avoiding going out with Lana because I’m not a goddamn urgent care nurse. I can’t be responsible for making sure she doesn’t die while I’m also pretty trashed,” admitted friend and former roommate Bob Erskine. “Don’t get me wrong—she’s still on track to develop a pretty gnarly case of cirrhosis in her early 30s. But her worst drinking was at the end of the night, so I think a 2 a.m. last call helps, assuming she doesn’t get her ass beat for threatening bartenders over it .”
God, omnipresent creator of all things known and unknown, illustrated some of Delano’s other possible life outcomes.
“Oh yeah, she’d be dead as hell right now if bars were open any later for sure,” said The Almighty, who is reportedly preparing to sue Congresswoman Lauren Boebert for slander and defamation. “Let’s see… if she had access to a 4 a.m. last call on her most recent birthday, she would have died by grabbing her Uber driver’s wheel and steering into oncoming traffic. This is the same reason we had a 2 a.m. last call in the desert—Abraham would have definitely drank himself to death after I told him to gut his son with a knife. What a good prank.”
Rumors circulate that Delano is planning to protest her workplace’s “employees must wash hands after using the restroom” sign, again entirely unaware such a policy is the only reason she’s alive.