WASHINGTON – Experts at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration recently claimed that depressed people will no longer have to make the lengthy trek to the ocean in order to end it all, pleased sources report.
“You heard that right, all you sad people. The ocean’s going to do your dirty work for you and come straight to your doorstep,” said lead researcher Robert Allen. “Amazon has inspired this change in more ways than one! But emissions aside, this was really because the public has been telling us they need more mental health services. And we, and the relentless march of climate change, listened. We’ve been learning a lot about how one of the main symptoms of depression is lack of motivation, so the thing about the ocean should come as a great relief for millions. They wouldn’t understand hard work, but hopefully they can appreciate it and maybe even thank us before they’re gone.”
Joan Ericson, a severely depressed resident of Kanas, shared her reaction to this groundbreaking report.
“You know I’ve never seen the ocean in my life, all I have a dirty lakes and ponds, and i’ll be damned if I make one of those bogs my eternal resting place. With work, family obligations, and my dog, I’m constantly struggling to fit suicide attempts into my schedule, so to hear that the rising ocean levels are coming my way really makes things easier for me,” said Ericson. “Seriously, I haven’t had such a glimmer of hope in almost a decade. This is going to be bigger than meal prep.”
Climate scientist Katie Saracina went into more depth on this life-changing and incredible discovery.
“I’ve never smiled during an interview before. It’s so rare we get to share good news,” said Saracina. “To be honest, I was confused by the reaction when we released the new sea level report. All my years of studying the effects of sea level rise told me this is catastrophic, but now everyone is talking about what a great thing this is for people who want to check out a bit early. I can see the silver lining, I guess.”
As of press time, experts are working on a report now about a massive meteor that’s likely to wipe out the whole Midwest.