WASHINGTON — Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas reportedly spent the entire night laughing and talking on the phone with former President Trump about far-fetched ways to force President Biden to stay in the presidential race, confirmed sources worried about long-distance phone rates.
“Oh my god, Donny is so flippin’ funny sometimes. When Ginni (Thomas) handed me the phone and told me who it was I turned bright freakin’ red, aaaaaaaah,” said Thomas while practicing writing “Clarence Trump” in his notebook. “We talked for hours about obscure legal precedents that could force delegates to pledge their votes to Biden, and we also talked about different ways to interpret the 25th Amendment and before I knew it five hours had already gone by. I kept being like you need to hang up first, and he told me I needed to hang up first. Then I asked him if he liked anyone on the Supreme Court like, more than a friend. I told Donnie I’m going to be on Harlon Crow’s yacht for the next few weeks and he needs to come by to party.”
Other members of the Supreme Court are starting to show signs of jealousy because of Justice Thomas’ flirty rapport with the Republican nominee.
“I don’t know what I’m doing wrong here. I feel like I’m invisible when it comes to Trump,” said Justice Brett Kavanaugh trying to hold back tears. “After I helped end Roe v. Wade I was expecting maybe a call or a text saying he was proud of me, but I got totally ghosted. Everyone looooves Clarence, but I’m the one that perjured myself during my confirmation hearings. I guess that means nothing to some people. If I don’t start getting some respect around here I’ll drift more towards the center. I’m serious, they won’t be able to count on ol’ Brett to end Obamacare, nope. Sorry, not sorry. Shoulda thought of that when you bailed on my birthday party.”
Janice Escovitch of the Supreme Court watchdog group For the People is alarmed by the relationships Trump has with so many justices.
“It’s kind of sad at the end of the day, these are full-grown adults being strung along by a power-hungry madman and they don’t even realize they are being used,” said Escovitch. “There was a recent series of photos with Trump and Justice Neil Gorsuch on what seemed to be a date at a mini golf course at Mar-a-Lago. The former president was standing behind Justice Gorsuch to help him with his swing, and there was even a photo where they were sharing an ice cream cone. Trump is a player, and these justices don’t understand the game.”
At press time, Justice Thomas was working up the courage to ask Trump to be his date to the annual Supreme Court Winter Formal.