STARBASE, Texas — A contractor working on Elon Musk’s new Texas mega-mansion revealed that every book on the billionaire’s shelf was just a false lever that reveals a katana room, sources confirmed.
“You have no idea how much of a nightmare building this library was—see that shelf over there, the one with forty copies of ‘The Art of Epic War by Elon Musk’? Each copy is a fake lever that opens up its own individual katana room,” said Mark Galloway, examining the blueprints of the Imperium Wing. “Normally I’d be excited to win a contract this big, but every day he’d come in and give weird notes like ‘more yeet’ or ‘can you make the katana moan when I remove it from the display.’ Not to mention he keeps trying to pay me in something called SkibidiCoin. Sir, I don’t know what that is but I don’t want to accept any currency that comes out of a virtual toilet.”
Elsa McCormick, a maid at Musk’s mansion, revealed the difficulties of cleaning the labyrinthian interior of his palatial manor.
“Mr. Mus—oh, excuse my insubordination, he prefers God-Emperor of Mankind—The God-Emperor is very specific about how I clean his ‘cerebral dojos’,” said McCormick, carefully dusting a custom katana with a handle carved from a copy of ‘Atlas Shrugged’. “I do prefer this job to working in the Holodeck rooms, though. It makes me very uncomfortable when he commands me to read a bedtime story to his thirty virtual children who are programmed to call me ‘Mommy Grimes.'”
Musk himself insisted that his many secret rooms were necessary to concentrate on pioneering the next technological revolution.
“You must keep your mind as sharp as a fine katana forged from the rarest space metals, and my many cerebral dojos allow me a place to complete complex astrobiomechanical calculations while honing my skills with the blade,” said Musk, hacking through a stack of ‘woke’ video games. “In fact, I have the highest-IQ master blacksmiths forging me new katanas around the clock. Satoshi-San here wrote me a fantastic haiku the other day: ‘Lord of space and time. Not weird, but cool, actually. Daddy would be proud.’ Simply tremendous, I shall have it emblazoned on the gates of my first Mars colony.”
At press time, President Trump visited Musk’s mansion and asked why he was having pajama parties with Benihana chefs in his dumb knife rooms.