CHARLOTTE, N.C. – A local house party reportedly turned sour last night, as local man Seth Needham spent the entire night drunkenly slurring apologies for the behavior of his straight edge friend.
“This happens every fucking time I bring Jared along to one of these things. Every. Fucking. Time,” said a sloppy Needham, knocking a vase full of dirty plant water onto the carpet. “Look at him, standing there against the wall — talking to people like a chump. Get wild, bro! This is a party, not a book convention at church.”
Jared Haas, 24, was allegedly a constant source of embarrassment for Needham, as he dominated Metallica’s “One” on Guitar Hero, casually enjoyed sodas intended for drink mixers, and spent much of the party within reaching distance of the snack table. “Dude, I’m fucking so sorry about Jared,” yelled Needham, inches from a young woman’s face. “He’s being sooooo lame. We should go upstairs and talk about it.”
However, not all opinions of Haas’ outlandish antics were negative.
“It really is so good that he doesn’t drink. Like, so good. Like, good for him, you know? I just think that is so cool,” said the party’s host, Anna Salinas. “He’s such a good listener that I don’t even mind him eating all the Wheat Thins. Besides, lately I’ve been going through a lot of stuff with my mom, and, like, work has been so crazy lately on top of that, and, like… it’s just cool.”
- Bandmates Confused After Straight Edge Singer Brings Podium to First Practice
- Straight Edge Man Involuntarily Following “Don’t Fuck” Rule
- Vegan, Straight Edge, Libertarian, Bike Messenger Unsure What To Lead With In Tinder Bio
As the night drew to a close, Needham reportedly entered a state of panic when he could no longer find Haas. “I was supposed to keep an eye on him and keep him out of trouble. Who knows what he could be getting into?” said Needham while throwing a pile of towels into the bathtub to hide his vomit.
“Fuck, what if he tries to drive… home without me?”
Haas, however, was nonplussed. “This was a fun party. Anna’s dog loves me, so I played with him for about half an hour, and then called my girlfriend from a guest room. I had a great time.”
Photo by FX Quadro, Panic Attack, Photgraphee.EU, and Colyn Emery.