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Crust Punk Looking for Responsible Friend to Feed Bedbugs While on Tour

HOUSTON — Local crust punk Shiloh Waters is still feverishly searching for a potential sitter for his beloved bedbugs while he is away on tour, witnesses confirmed earlier today.

Waters has been forced to find caregivers after his fellow members of Anti Plantar Fascists informed him they were “not cool” sharing their tour van with his colony of bedbugs.

“I thought about calling my friend Sage, but last time he took care of my kiddos, everything he fed them was commercially-produced GMO blood. I’m pretty sure Tilda Swinton Streep was poisoned and is now autistic,” said Waters. “And Fern would be a great sitter, but she says she’s allergic to bedbugs, and won’t accept the discarded EpiPens I foraged.”

Desperate for any help, Waters allegedly contacted a pet resort in town to check on boarding.


“Yes, we were asked to house hundreds of blood sucking vermin. Yes, we politely declined,” said Riverside Pet Care facility manager Doris Klein. “I’m sure this man loves his pets, but I got bedbugs at an Airbnb in New York and had to destroy my luggage to make sure I didn’t bring them home. So, yeah — no thanks.”

Waters even took to Craigslist, but only received one response.

“I thought he was joking. He had a laundry list of instructions regarding the care of his ‘little vampire babies.’ Apparently he has a cooler filled with bags of red blood cells, to be administered by mouth through a custom-made syringe,” said sole responder Hannah Whitegrove. “And, on top of that, he wants me to bathe them nightly and read to them from Pedagogy of the Oppressed — and pay me in beer.”

Waters later added he would appreciate any assistance available that meets his stringent list of requirements.

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Article by Cory Cousins @VanHammersly42.