HOUSTON – A local couple who initially met at a Weezer are reportedly lying to friends and family, by claiming they found each other through the dating site Christian Mingle, skeptical sources reported.
“Yeah we sure did meet on the only dating platform that caters exclusively to Christian singles. I’m super religious and every day I thank God for girls. Well, actually, just for this one girl in particular. Jennifer’s great, she’s kind, really smart and she’s scorching hot. I call her El Scorcho, just as a cute pet name,” said lovebird Gregory Willis. “She just gets me on another level, she’s like the pork to my beans. It’s not every day I buy a $25 beer for some random girl I just met. Did I say beer? I meant communion, we definitely had our first date at church where we split one of those Jesus wafers together.”
Friends of the couple are skeptical of the relationship’s nature and believe they met elsewhere.
“Let’s cut the shit. There’s no way they met on a dating app, let alone Christian fucking Mingle. It had to be that Weezer concert they went to because there’s no way anyone leaves a Weezer concert happy unless you meet the love of your life,” said longtime mutual friend Billy Murdoch. “God, it makes me sick. Now he’s wearing black rimmed glasses like Buddy Holly and she’s fucking got the Mary Tyler Moore haircut from the ‘Dick Van Dyke Show.’ Are we serious here? He asked me to start calling him Jonas and I just can’t, I don’t want to be associated with liars anymore, let alone Weezer fans.”
Licensed couples therapist and relationship expert Laurie Dahl weighed in on the couples’ suspect background.
“This may be shocking, but I’ve seen cases similar to Gregory and Jessica’s all across the world. I mean, it’s one thing to be embarrassed about liking Weezer, but to cover it up using Christian Mingle is like getting caught masturbating and telling your parents you were just practicing your D&D dice rolling technique,” said the disappointed Dahl. “There’s so many great bands out there to base a relationship off. Even Fleetwood Mac would’ve been a better choice, even with the whole ‘Rumours’ fiasco. I don’t know if they’re gonna last, but I’m rooting for them! I think they’d be the first Weezer fans to ever have sex.”
At press time, the couple announced they are no longer seeing each other because one side of the duo is looking for someone who is at least half-japanese and the other side is lesbian.