LIVINGSTON, Tenn. — Local police officer Brad Jenkins vocally expressed concern that illegal immigrants were in town eating all of the neighborhood dogs he was already planning on shooting, concerned residents confirmed.
“I knew these illegals were up to no good! Taking our jobs wasn’t enough, now they’re killing and eating pets? What the hell am I supposed to do if I can’t walk onto someone’s property unannounced and shoot whatever dog gives me the side eye, all because Biden let in foreigners who turned that dog into a stew!” said Jenkins. “Trump wouldn’t have said those things during the debate if it weren’t true. I’m fully ready to protect my community from foreign invaders and protect myself from beloved domesticated animals. They need to learn I’m not a threat, and the only way to do that is by firing at them indiscriminately.”
The Livingston Mayor’s office spent much of the morning attempting to quell Jenkins’ panic over the rumors.
“We’ve begged Officer Jenkins to stand down as the reports of pets being eaten are completely false. But since last night’s presidential debate he’s had his riot gear on and continues to interrogate any person of color on the street about their dietary habits and their favorite dog breeds. If we don’t rein him in we’re looking at multiple class action lawsuits,” said mayoral aide Ellis Carver. “Now he’s taking pot shots at animals from his squad car in an attempt to, as he put it, ‘scare them back inside but also let them know who’s boss’. It’ll cost us the election but it would be easier to dismantle the police force at this rate.”
The town’s neighborhood watch members have been on high alert since Officer Jenkins began his crusade.
“Believe us when we say that Officer Jenkins’ heart is in the right place, but he needs to focus on the real problems plaguing this town like the guy Paulo from down the street, I think he might be Mexican, but he also might be Italian. Either way, he threw a candy bar wrapper on the ground one time. And if that guy is allowed to destroy our town then how am I supposed to feel safe driving after I’ve had a few beers? And I don’t know what would happen if he littered near the tire fire in my front yard,” said Connor O’Hara. “I know Officer Jenkins is on this crusade to stop these foreign dog eaters, but we’ve asked him to look into Old Man Wallace’s place multiple times because any animal be it dog, cat, or squirrel that wanders onto his property are never seen again. And he’s local!”
As of press time, Jenkins was placed on indefinite desk duty after shooting a sleeping dog because he saw its owner firing up their grill.