ARLINGTON, Texas — Americans everywhere took a brief pause from threatening to kill each other online to share that they believe Ingrid Andress should have been sober during her performance of the National Anthem Monday night.
“Our Nation’s anthem is the greatest song ever to exist, every time I hear it I can’t help but bawl my eyes out and salute the stars and stripes. However, the rendedition by Ms. Andress was the worst thing to happen to this country since President Clinton,” said Republican Governor, Greg Abbott, as he turned on a generator to power an air conditioner and dressed himself in a bullet-proof vest. “I know things are bad under Biden. Ms. Andress was probably worried about our Southern border and how the Democrats let people run free all over it, but that’s no excuse. We’re never going to get the respect of the rest of the world if we are constantly giving stage time to Americans who make a mockery of themselves. ”
Maryland resident Bradelyn Lake was particularly offended after watching the performance while wasted at a local bar.
“I would never do that,” shares Bradelyn Lake, mother of two overfed Shih-Tzu’s. “I mean, I don’t really remember watching it, but I know it was bad, and I know I would never do that to our nation that I love. If you sing the dang Pledge of Allegiance you better do it right or I’ll find you and cut you to bits. This country protects me from homeless people, from scary guys with guns, and from going to hell for driving my neighbor to an abortion. Other countries are not free to arm themselves when they leave the house. I can’t imagine getting in my car without my AK, people get attacked all the time, what if I’m next?”
However, European leaders completely agree with the behavior.
“It’s standard protocol to breathalyze everyone who enters Wembley Stadium to make sure they’re drunk enough, including players,” says Mayor of London Sadiq Khan. “This incident makes sense to me. Prior to our election, the recorded rates of intoxication throughout the stadium were much higher. America’s terrifying future is in the hands of its citizens, and to cope, in one of those hands should also be a cold one.”
At press time, Governor Abbott lifted up his face shield to share that he will be performing the National Anthem at all future Texas sporting events.