20. Hank Schrader
Hank is a high-ranking DEA agent. It took this guy five seasons to realize his brother-in-law was cooking meth for the greater Albuquerque area, so he’ll probably have no clue that half these kids are high already. Get on the ball, man.
19. Walter White
Heisenberg can’t even entertain a group of high school students in his chemistry class. What makes you think he can hold the attention of 10-year-olds in a lecture setting even though drugs are way more interesting than chemical bonding and molecular structures?
18. Victor
Besides being a loyal henchman to one of the most prominent and perilous narcotics distributors in New Mexico, Victor seems like a good guy. Sure, he’s a man of few words, but he’ll get his message across to the kids, albeit through intimidation tactics.
17. Francesca Liddy
Being a secretary is one of those jobs that doesn’t get enough credit for being difficult. After all, you have to talk to people who want things from you all day. That can’t be easy. She should be able to handle kids fairly seamlessly.
16. Tyrus Kitt
Tyrus’ speech to the children will last no longer than six minutes. He’s more of a listener than a talker. Doesn’t matter much. A few minutes is probably all you need when talking about substances that could possibly ruin your life and the lives of everyone around you.
15. Skinny Pete
Skinny Pete would make his speech to the kids while high. There are no rules against this in the D.A.R.E. program leadership pamphlet. Luckily, he’s done so much drugs that no one can really tell.
14. Gonzo
Gonzo is Tuco’s brother-in-law and lieutenant of his gang. It is unclear how well he deals with children, but if he can handle Tuco then I’m sure he can talk to kids about injecting substances in your veins.
13. Huell Babineaux
Huell is best known for his advanced pickpocketing skills. He’ll be an effective spokesperson and will even leave with a few of the children’s personal belongings. This is a win-win, according to him.
12. Leonel and Marco Salamanca
The cousins don’t really speak, which is just as effective as talking to kids about drugs, in that neither way will get through to them. However, Leonel and Marco would stare down the children individually, and it would feel like that “scared straight” program that frightens 10-year-olds into behaving. That usually works, I think.
11. Todd
If you are someone who is capable of shooting a kid and thinking nothing of it, you could probably talk to them about the dangers of drugs. Either way, Todd is a complete sociopath. This trait will make him an excellent fit to work alongside the local police department.
10. Andrea Cantillo
Andrea is a mother of a young kid, so she could probably talk to a bunch of other children after all that practice. She even has a background in consuming illegal drugs recreationally. If anything, she’s over-qualified.
9. Gus Fring
This man’s entire public life is a lie and everything about him is objectively diabolical. But he brought free chicken nuggets and soda for everyone. Gus is the best.
8. Saul Goodman
Jimmy McGill has a ton of charisma in the legal world, but these kids will mainly recognize him from commercials. It’d be like seeing the ShamWow guy in real life. We’d all be starstruck.
7. Brock Cantillo
If anyone’s going to get through to these kids, it’s going to be another kid, especially one that’s already been poisoned by a substance no one has ever heard of before this show.
6. Badger
Badger is going to talk a lot without actually saying much. This will confuse the kids, but he has a cool and unique voice. That’s what counts when making a speech. Content comes second.
5. Tuco Salamanca
Tuco is surprisingly charming in a completely unhinged way. He’s going to put out a lit cigarette on his tongue during his speech. It’s going to impress all the kids. In the end, Tuco will convince them not to do any drugs, but they will all begin smoking Marlboros immediately. The D.A.R.E. program says nothing about cigarettes.
4. Spooge
This guy’s overall aesthetic, face, and lack of basic hygiene are enough to convince kids to start claiming edge at the age of nine. Extremely effective tactic.
3. Jane Margolis
Jane is the only tattoo artist without any visible tattoos of her own. This is unheard of. Encouraging children to avoid drugs while also doing drugs yourself is kind of equivalent. She’ll make it look easy.
2. Mike Ehrmantraut
Despite Mike’s gruff appearance, Eeyore demeanor, and apathetic manner of conducting himself publicly, he’s extremely effective at accomplishing his daily tasks. This will translate well to steering children away from the alluring appeal of getting fucked up.
1. Jesse Pinkman
Jesse has a soft spot for kids. This is proven with his interactions with Brock and that kid whose parents are meth heads. He’ll inadvertently slip the word “bitch” into his speech a few times. This will only make him more likable to children.