“Breaking Bad” Characters Ranked By How Effective They Would Be as a Spokesperson for the D.A.R.E. Program

29. Ted Beneke

Ted seems like he’s never tried a drug in his life, but he has committed tax fraud, which is just a different kind of high. This is what his presentation will mainly focus on. It will confuse kids. Also the parents. And bystanders. No one knows how taxes work. Can’t the IRS just tell me how much I owe if they know already?

28. Old Joe

Whether it’s destroying evidence of the meth-mobile or destroying evidence on a laptop using magnets, this guy is always helping Walt and Jesse out of a jam. He’ll regale the kids with stories about thwarting law enforcement. The students will ask Joe several questions about these magnets. No follow-ups about drugs though.

27. Steven Gomez

Gomie has major side character energy, so thrusting him into a lead role as the spokesperson for the D.A.R.E. educational program would be like giving him his own “Better Call Saul” type spin-off series. Sure, I’m going to watch it, but I’ll be complaining the whole time that it’s not exactly the same thing.

26. Lydia Rodarte-Quayle

Lydia is going to be completely off her game after the police department doesn’t have any Stevia in their facilities for her tea, even though she specifically requested it for the event. Yet another reason why ACAB.

25. Wendy

Wendy is just trying to get by. Let’s give her aa break this one time.

24. No-Doze

Working for Tuco prepares you for the real world more so than any college or trade school could ever. Only he doesn’t really know when to stop talking. This will ultimately lead to his downfall as a spokesperson for the D.A.R.E. program.

23. Gale Boetticher

Gale would explain in full detail how each drug is made chemically. He would even do a live demonstration. He thinks this will wow the children into a lifetime fascination with science. He is wrong. They will only crave drugs mercilessly.